eruthros: Delenn from Babylon 5 with a startled expression and the text "omg!" (Default)
[personal profile] eruthros
This is a brilliant story of Major Evan Lorne's tragic painterly life! Because he grew up painting only male nudes in his mom's studio, and now he is in the military! Woe.



[personal profile] eruthros: But now it's really tragic... painting.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: exactly. well, Lorne's new to landscapes!
[personal profile] thingswithwings: all he ever painted before was naked men!

[personal profile] eruthros: But he doesn't think that's a good idea in Atlantis?
[personal profile] eruthros: Plus, who would he ask?
[personal profile] eruthros: "I beg your pardon, Lieutenant, but could I trouble you for a favor?"

[personal profile] thingswithwings: "Uh, Colonel Sheppard, I have a somewhat odd request..."

[personal profile] eruthros: Indeed.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: Man. I would write that fic, but I would start it with Sheppard going to see Lorne about the complaints he's been getting. "Major, I'm really glad that you have a hobby, but when you keep asking members of the armed forces to take their clothes off, they tend to get the wrong impression."

[personal profile] eruthros: But I bet he totally had an arrangement with Teal'c back in the SGC
[personal profile] eruthros: HEH. Yeah. I bet Sheppard kept getting half-complaints.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: Hee! yes, Teal'c lounging naked on a crumpled red sheet, holding a white rose in his hand..."Is this how you would like me to sit, Major Lorne?"

[personal profile] eruthros: EXACTLY.

[personal profile] eruthros: And Teal'c is totally deadpan about it.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: of course he is!

[personal profile] eruthros: And Lorne LOVES painting Teal'c, because he's so ... defined! So interesting!

[personal profile] thingswithwings: he has great angles!

[personal profile] eruthros: Also, it's hard to get the shine on the tattoo right, so it's a challenge.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: right, right.
[personal profile] thingswithwings: I'm telling you, this whole Lorne-as-a-painter thing is an untapped goldmine of fic potential.

[personal profile] eruthros: And Teal'c was the only person who Lorne's ever asked who said "ah, yes, your painting hobby?" instead of "um, I'm really flattered, but..."
[personal profile] eruthros: Lorne thinks Daniel Jackson might've been equally blase, but he never got up the guts to ask.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: aw! so he was so excited to finally have a cooperative model.
[personal profile] thingswithwings: man, so does this mean that Lorne's apartment on Earth was filled with dozen of nude paintings of Teal'c?

[personal profile] eruthros: YES.
[personal profile] eruthros: YES IT DOES.
[personal profile] eruthros: Except he asked Teal'c if he could maybe sell some, or if Teal'c would want some, and Teal'c took a couple and Lorne doesn't want to ask what became of them.
[personal profile] eruthros: But he's kinda afraid Teal'c gave one to Bra'tac.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: HAHAHA EW.
[personal profile] thingswithwings: and Bra'tac hung it in the halls of Jaffa Whatever, with a plaque that says, "Model of a Warrior."
[personal profile] thingswithwings: maybe Lorne could ask Teal'c to ask Daniel to be a nude model.

[personal profile] eruthros: EXACTLY. Because the Jaffa don't have nudity taboos in the same way that makes them think nudity = sex.
[personal profile] eruthros: So Bra'tac is all "great! look, it shows what awesome shape my protege is in! I shall show it to my students."

[personal profile] thingswithwings: and everyone on Chulak is like, "Man, look at the definition on his quads!"

[personal profile] eruthros: HA. GOD. YES.
[personal profile] eruthros: YES. Lorne keeps dropping hints about maybe having ... two models. At once! Or something!
[personal profile] eruthros: And he thinks Teal'c isn't paying attention, and he's too nervous about getting kicked out of the program to ask himself.
[personal profile] eruthros: Until... one day Teal'c shows up with GENERAL JACK O'NEILL.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: OF COURSE, OMG.

[personal profile] eruthros: Who walks in, similarly completely deadpan, and says "should be an interesting study in contrasts."
[personal profile] eruthros: And Lorne nearly faints.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: hahaha
[personal profile] thingswithwings: poor Lorne!
[personal profile] thingswithwings: blushing up to his hair and forced to paint a picture of his commanding officer in the nude!

[personal profile] eruthros: YES.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: who gets that picture, do you think?

[personal profile] eruthros: And Jack's cracking jokes constantly
[personal profile] eruthros: And asking in a really solicitous voice if he's holding the rose in the proper way.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: "A rose, Major? Really?"

[personal profile] eruthros: And so Lorne has to answer him in that choked voice of "um, no, you're... holding the rose just fine, sir."
[personal profile] eruthros: I DON'T KNOW.
[personal profile] eruthros: Maybe Jack hangs it in his office to shock people? Maybe he gives it to Daniel and tells him to do something with it because he wants to see his face? Maybe it's a gift for some offworld trading group that thinks its necessary to see their trading partners in the nude?

[personal profile] thingswithwings: it's the Most Confusing Birthday Gift Ever to anyone you want to surprise!
[personal profile] thingswithwings: it should totally hang in Jack's office. In the PENTAGON.

[personal profile] eruthros: YES.
[personal profile] eruthros: And Jack makes shit up about it EVERY TIME.
[personal profile] eruthros: Like, people give the painting -- which is HUGE, it's like four feet across and hangs behind his desk -- these tremendous double-takes.
[personal profile] eruthros: And Jack says "oh, it was a gift from ..." or "oddly, that was a necessary part of ..." or "I bet you didn't know the Jaffa..."
[personal profile] eruthros: And he uses it to distract people and discombobulate them.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: yes, absolutely!

[personal profile] eruthros: Because they're staring at his penis ... his face! Really they're looking at him! ... but his penis is RIGHT THERE.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: everyone just agrees to do whatever he says so that they can get the hell out of there. because the eyes follow you wherever you go!
[personal profile] thingswithwings: ...also, the penis.

[personal profile] eruthros: YES! And so he sends Lorne a thank-you note after some particularly successful negotiations.
[personal profile] eruthros: Yes, the penis follows them wherever they go.
[personal profile] eruthros: And his assisstants tell stories about it in hushed whispers.
[personal profile] eruthros: And, as far as Jack is concerned, it means a) that he gets what he wants from people in meetings and b) that people otherwise leave him alone.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: I have this pose in my head of the two of them sort of draped over each other in an X
[personal profile] thingswithwings: with, of course, the black velvet backdrop and crumpled red silk and white roses. that Lorne keeps in the back of his truck, just in case.

[personal profile] eruthros: He totally sends Lorne a fruit basket.)
[personal profile] eruthros: Yes! Because Lorne is EVER-HOPEFUL.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: it must've been so hard to give up the hobby while in basic training, what with all those naked men around ALL THE TIMe.

[personal profile] eruthros: Lorne is, by that time, in Pegasus, so he has to recruit to Asgard to do it, and suddenly Lorne's desk is full of one of those hotel-type fruit baskets that's been beamed down.)
[personal profile] eruthros: HA.
[personal profile] eruthros: God.
[personal profile] eruthros: This is a brilliant story of Lorne's tragic painterly life!

[personal profile] thingswithwings: I agree!
[personal profile] thingswithwings: poor guy. he's not breaking any regs! he's not gay! he just paints nude men a lot.
[personal profile] thingswithwings: ...and dude, the asgard would totally deliver a fruit basket to pegasus for O'Neill. "We need you to save Atlantis, it is in trouble," the Asgard say no, but "O'Neill personally requests this fruit basket delivery"?

[personal profile] eruthros: Sheppard: There's a pineapple. Major, why did General O'Neill send you a pineapple?)
[personal profile] eruthros: YES. Because Thor loves Jack.
[personal profile] eruthros: Also, Thor beamed down into his office to pick up the fruit basket, so he totally gets why thanks are necessary. It is, he agrees, a well-done composition.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: ha! omg, Thor would definitely ask Lorne to do a nude painting of O'Neill for him, too, once he saw it!
[personal profile] thingswithwings: Jack is much more fetching without those odd human garments on.

[personal profile] eruthros: YES.
[personal profile] eruthros: Smoother, for one.
[personal profile] eruthros: Also: OMG. http://www.ediblearrangements.com/Arrangements/Arrangement_Detail.aspx?ID=245&OrderType=1&CountryID=1&StateID=&City=&Date=&Category=5&Occasion=

[personal profile] thingswithwings: WHAT

[personal profile] eruthros: It is called a HAIL BERRY.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: I SAW THAT

[personal profile] eruthros: SOMEONE MUST SEND IT TO JOHN.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: I vote for Ronon.

[personal profile] eruthros: But not for painting a nude picture of Jack O'Neill.
[personal profile] eruthros: No, Lorne gets all the fruitbasket thanks for that.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: let's hope not! Jack can't spend his whole time posing nude for the air force!

[personal profile] eruthros: Dude, yes, I think Thor should totally commission a picture of Jack. And bribe Lorne with ... ?

[personal profile] thingswithwings: uh...the promise of a favour? to deliver some texas beef after they're done mutilating the latest cattle?
[personal profile] thingswithwings: the best part is, Lorne's in atlantis, so he tells Thor, "I can't paint without a reference," and Thor immediately produces a dozen photographs of Jack in the nude.

[personal profile] eruthros: Maybe he gives Lorne some cool Asgard technology that Rodney's been after for YEARS.
[personal profile] eruthros: That is AWESOME.
[personal profile] eruthros: Of course he does.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: hee! and Rodney gets all jealous, and asks what he did for the Asgard to get the Q-35 Explosive Space Modulator, but Lorne won't tell.

[personal profile] eruthros: Nope.
[personal profile] eruthros: But John has his suspicions, because Lorne hasn't asked any of the Lieutenants to pose nude for several weeks.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: haha
[personal profile] thingswithwings: John has a file.

[personal profile] eruthros: But John, of course, thinks Lorne is painting THOR in the nude, and he's really creeped out by this, because Asgard are WEIRD.
[personal profile] eruthros: John TOTALLY has a file.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: and John sort of wonders if he's painting the Asgard wearing clothes, since they're already nude all the time. And then he thinks about Thor in a hat, and is creeped out all day.

[personal profile] eruthros: Yeah.
[personal profile] eruthros: And John remains disquieted.
[personal profile] eruthros: But he also ponders whether he can ask Lorne to do OTHER nude painting for high-tech stuff.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: oh john, caught between two powerful and conflicting impulses! cool space guns / disturbing Asgard/Lorne sex portraiture!

[personal profile] eruthros: It would be full of ANGST.

[personal profile] thingswithwings: as John tends to be.

[personal profile] eruthros: Exactly.

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eruthros: Delenn from Babylon 5 with a startled expression and the text "omg!" (Default)
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