eruthros: Delenn from Babylon 5 with a startled expression and the text "omg!" (BtVS cheeseman nonsense)
eruthros ([personal profile] eruthros) wrote2009-03-17 15:47

A true story that is true

In which [livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings and I finally realize the TRUTH about the scifi channel's monster movies. The horrifying, Philip-K-Dickian truth.

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: Oh man, I just learned that Bruce Boxleitner is in a scifi original picture called "snakehead terror" in which there are evil SNAKEHEAD FISH. Presumably they look like snakes.

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: oh, oh, I knew that!
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: remember? I told you about that
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: when I found it on IMDB one time
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: when I was looking up B5 actors

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: I remembered you'd told me he was in a giant snake film
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: I had not realized that they were MUTATED SNAKEFISH

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: hahahaha
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: well, that's the scifi channel
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: always stepping it up a notch

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: TRUE
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: This is an amazing list. It really indicates why they're having ratings issues.
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: S.S. Doomtrooper! ("a 2006 made-for-TV science fiction movie starring Corin Nemec, in which a mutated Nazi supersoldier (which is blue, has glowing veins, can generate electrical radiation as a weapon, has greatly enhanced strength and size, and is a mindless monster) fights against Allied troops during World War II")
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: Locusts: The 8th Plague.
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: FRANKENFISH.

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: like, it seems like it's just as well they're not calling themselves scifi anymore
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: because they have a very different idea of what that means than I do

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: I can't believe that the scifi channel got TWO original films out of the invasive snakehead fish incident in ... whenever, 2003 or so.

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: also, are all SG-franchise actors contractually obligated to do a bad scifi original monster flick?

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: they must be!
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: It's like "if we renew your show..."

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: "you have to sacrifice one of your actors on the altar of bad scifi movies. WHO WILL IT BE!"
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: Richard Dean Anderson pushes Corin Nemec forward

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: by the seventh season renewal, however, that is not a big enough sacrifice
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: and Michael Shanks must go!

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: right
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: everyone hugs him and tells him it'll be alright
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: they'll get through this together
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: but when he comes back, he's different
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: more subdued, somehow

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: the scifi channel paid for a recent B5 movie, which is probably how they got their hooks into Bruce Boxleitner.
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: and they try to get him to talk about it

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: aha!
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: they're so crafty

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: or to not talk about it, just have an ice cream or something
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: but nothing seems to work!

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: maybe they've formed a support group

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: David Hewlett, otoh, is so GGG that he volunteers even before the first episode of SGA

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: hahahahahaha
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: OH GOD
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: it's so horrifyingly true

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: ISN'T IT? ISN'T IT?

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: I can't even deal!

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: And everyone on the Atlantis set is all "what's up with that Hewlett guy? doesn't he seem kinda weird to you?"
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: but they didn't know him BEFORE
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: so they don't know how he's been CHANGED by it

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: right!
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: later, Joe and Rachel and Jason and Torri all learn the truth
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: when the SG1 people do episodes on their show
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: Christopher Judge is like, "You have to know something"

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: of course it's Chris Judge

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: "I have to tell you this so that you can avoid the same awful fate"

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: and he draws JFlan aside

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: it is! He saw what happened to Michael Shanks
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: and Corin Nemec

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: they used to be BEST FRIENDS, Chris and Michael

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: Corin Nemec became a SCIENTOLOGIST!

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: It's a sad story.

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: really it is.

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: sometimes, the SCIFI ptb come in looking for someone
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: anyone
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: and they grab that guy and ship him off to Bulgaria

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: in the middle of the night

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: and the writers just carefully write around it

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: big burly guys with tasers come to their trailer

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: they don't want to anger the powers that be, lest they be required to write a giant snakehead fish film

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: ha, indeed
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: that is the fate that awaits all failed SG-franchise writers

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: and, yeah, big burly guys with tasers
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: and there's screaming off in the distance, and everyone pretends not to hear, because they know: there's nothing you can do
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: Michael Shanks tried to get out any way he could!
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: He even QUIT THE SHOW!

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: he tried to quit the show!
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: yes!
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: that's why Corin Nemec had to take his place initially
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: in the Great Snake Movie Sacrifice

[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: but then he was somehow brought back -- he doesn't know how, but one day, he suddenly becomes aware of the fact that he is sitting in his trailer, just like he'd never left
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: and a DeLuise is knocking on the door
[livejournal.com profile] eruthros: "Michael? There's someone here from the network to see you."

[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: "He says you owe them something."
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: man, this whole theory is just so plausible
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: I almost want to write it up as an action-paranoia-thriller
[livejournal.com profile] thingswithwings: and sell it to scifi