eruthros: llamas! (llamas)
If I don't post things, then they just build up and build up in semagic until it seems insurmountable. Today I have decided to say "fuck that" to that problem, so here are ... a bunch of misc and unrelated things, some of which have been in semagic for months.

1. We made lots of awesome food for American Thanksgiving which was like three weeks ago now, but this text has been sitting here for most of those weeks so I'm posting it anyway. I might forget how to make these tasty brussels sprouts by next fall! More details about the recipes under the cut to spare you guys )

2. I'm currently going to PT threeish days a week for hand and wrist and knee and ankle and etc joint pain, and I still have partly immobilized hands. It makes me cranky and anxious, especially because nobody seems to know what's wrong, and why this problem is worse than the previous ones. Blather about doctors )

3. Some things I forgot about when I was doing yuletide nominations, so now I'm putting them here for next year )

3a. It is a sad state of affairs when your yuletide story notes are long enough to be posted to the archive. *pokes at file* Now, if only I had a story...

4. Some random things I have learned from kink_bingo )

4a. This isn't a random thing that I learned from [community profile] kink_bingo, it's a true story from planning last year that I've always meant to post so I won't someday forget it )

5. I want a firefox extension, and I can't find it! Here's what bugs me )

THERE. Now I have a completely blank update field. And I'll add some stuff from today to make sure it stays that way:

6. This Penny Arcade strip pretty much explains the way I feel when people say things like "you're just watching it to hate it."

7. Oh my god, lj, seriously? You're seriously going to make gender a mandatory field and make male and female the only options within that field? Seriously? I just. Fuck that shit. I can't put words to my RAGE.
eruthros: Delenn from Babylon 5 with a startled expression and the text "omg!" (Default)
I had a computer problem recently -- a recurring video GPU error, which meant a problem in the motherboard. Which, argh, but the computer is still under warranty, and I have at-home service. So a guy came over and replaced my motherboard (twice, long story involving service tags), and then there was a video display problem with lines on the screen indicating a connection problem with the last motherboard, so a different guy came over and replaced the LCD and the motherboard (again).

And, here is the thing: the second guy tried to convince me that there wasn't a problem after he replaced the LCD, because he didn't want to replace the motherboard. He didn't come out and say "oh, there isn't a problem," but he said things like "I don't see any lines" and "that's supposed to be there, it's part of the background texture," and "I don't think that will fix it, but I guuuuessss I could trrrrry," heaving a great sigh like this wasn't his job and he wasn't getting paid for it.

I find that sort of thing very difficult; it's hard for me to say, in the face of expert authority, "No. There is still a problem. Fix it." But I did, this time; I said "I still see lines." He said, "that's probably a screen resolution issue." I said, "No, this is the screen resolution I've always been set at, and there wasn't a problem until the most recent motherboard." He said, "It probably won't fix it." I said, "Try anyway." And finally he said, "okay, I'll put a new motherboard in."

Unsurprisingly, this fixed the problem.

***

I sometimes think about the way that people who are considered "experts," people who know more about the system than I am presumed to know, use social pressure and body language and leading questions to push me into denying my own experience.

And so my (white, male, expert) doctor says, "oh, that shouldn't hurt" casually, and I start to doubt myself: did it really hurt? Was it just uncomfortable? Or he says, "But you feel the pain when you're sitting down, too?" in an incredulous tone of voice, and I doubt myself: do I feel the pain when I sit down? Am I making too much of it?

I have joint and muscle pain. I have it pretty much all the time. My physical therapist is like, look, my goal is to get you down to maybe a two or a three on the scale of pain for general walking; we can't aim for no pain at all. And despite that, despite my lived experience, despite the fact that I am here in this body feeling this thing, seeing this thing, hearing my joints pop, I begin to wonder: Do I feel that? Is that pain there? Are those symptoms real? Am I complaining too much? (Hysterical, whining, weak, complaining, silly.)

And I don't think (most) doctors know how much they push people into denying their bodily experience. I don't think they're aware of the degree to which their prompting pushes people out of their bodies, makes them say: no, I don't see that. When my doctor says "and it's getting better?" I want to say yes; when my doctor says "but it's no big deal, right?" I want to say yes; when my doctor frowns when he pushes at my joints, looks dubious, looks skeptical, and then says "it's fine when I do this?" I want to say yes. Sometimes I do, sometimes I find myself saying "oh, yes" and "of course not" and "it's fine," and at the time I feel like it's fine, like it's normal, like it's no big deal -- and I feel that way because I have been pushed to ignore my body. I've believed what he's telling me, instead of believing what I feel. And I don't think most doctors know that they do it at all, let alone that they most often direct that kind of skepticism, that kind of attempt to get people to believe them instead of their own bodily experience, at women and people of color and queer folks and people with chronic pain. I don't think they know that when they say, oh, no, I'm sure you don't need stronger painkillers, and I say okay, that there is any sort of power dynamic there, that I am telling anything other than the truth -- that the truth I am telling is their truth.

I don't think (most) doctors know what it feels like, two hours later, to stop and say: yes, yes I saw that, it was there all along, why did I deny it; I felt that pain, my knee hurt, I wanted to ask more questions. And to stop and wonder: why didn't I? Why didn't I stand up to him? (Stupid, pushover, weak, silly.) Now I have to make another appointment, now I have to wait two more weeks, now I will feel even stupider going in and saying, yes, there is a problem, make it better -- even though maybe next time, I'll do it again, say yes again when I want to say no, I can still see the lines on the screen, they're right there, stop telling me I don't see them, they're right fucking there.
eruthros: Delenn building the crystal machine in season 1  of B5, captioned "foreshadowing" (B5 - Delenn incredible foreshadowing)
1. I hurt two fingers doing PT this morning -- the nominally-strong fingers I use to provide resistance for my isometric strengthening exercises. Yes, seriously.

2. I can't for the life of me find Torchwood promo pictures from seasons one and two, pre-Children of Earth. My google-fu has failed, hard. Where the hell are they? Help plz fandom!

3. I am looking forward to yuletide lots and lots, but I can't figure out what I want to ask for! Last year I had this huge giant list of fandoms that I wished were yuletide fandoms (sometimes just because I wished they could go in the vid), and it was hard to narrow it down further, and it is only worse this year, as I have now realized a) that Pogo isn't a yuletide fandom and b) that I totally ship Pogo Possom and Porky Pine. Porky takes Pogo a flower every Christmas morning! He's only pretending to be a cynic! My heart is touched.

Also I want there to be more Bruce/Johnny Dead Zone fic, so there's that. And perhaps I want Steerswoman series Bel-fic, in which she is awesome and amazing. And perhaps I will ask again for Better Than Chocolate transfic (Judy/Frances!), though I am always concerned about whether it would be done well.

Other things that are not yuletide fandoms but should be )

What do you guys want for yuletide? I ask because I'm curious, though it will inevitably lead to more things to add to my list of possibilities this year.

4. I maaaaaybe have spent a little too much time looking at the list of yuletide fandoms in the last, oh, year or so.

cranky

Sep. 23rd, 2009 06:41 pm
eruthros: Ivanova from B5 saying "boom boom boom boom" to Londo -- angry icon!! (B5 - Ivanova boom)
Lo, I am cranky today, because today I was waiting eagerly for reevaluation of my hands, and hoping to be able to take the brace off. (Immobilization sucks.) And instead, I have to use the brace for another week, I popped out two other joints typing yesterday, and I'm possibly going to be referred to a hand specialist more than an hour away in a city to which we have no bus service. (And I am, of course, car-less.)

Also now I am doing about forty-five minutes of hip pt to prevent dislocations, and my hips hurt. Owwww.

Also I read a book by one of my favorite gender theorists today, but it was crappy -- she hadn't figured out her audience and it was boring and patronizing and full of fail.

Also I got dust in my motherboard in the middle of nowhere and now I need a new one, which is covered under warranty but still irritating.

whine whine whine

But at least there is fic to reread! I am currently rereading A Deeper Season by lightgetsin (Vorkosigan-verse), because it is awesome and makes me go awww.

What are your favorite cranky-day stories to reread?
eruthros: ST: TOS, Spock holding a kitten (ST: TOS - Spock and kitten)
1. This may be the most hilarious thing I've read in the news today:

The line of protesters spread across Pennsylvania Avenue for blocks, all the way to the capitol, according to the D.C. Homeland Security and Emergency Management Agency. People were chanting "enough, enough" and "We the People." Others yelled "You lie, you lie!" and "Pelosi has to go," referring to California congresswoman Nancy Pelosi.

I read that and then went, "what, seriously? Your chant was 'you lie, you lie?'"

So [personal profile] thingswithwings and I tried to do some in-living-room chanting, and determined that it's really hard to stay in unison on "you lie, you lie" because it has no rhythm, and also because it's all vowels. Both of which would make it impossible to hear from a distance. Then we tried to figure out how you'd possibly chant "enough, enough" for ten blocks; I tried doing a bunch of different inflections: "enough! enoooough. enough? ENOUGH!" but that was more hilarious than successful.

Then we tried to parse the chants: where, we asked, are the objects of these chants? Enough what? You lie about what? We, the people ... in order to form a more perfect union?

[personal profile] thingswithwings: They should really just hire the left for their chants.

2. I went to the state fair last week! I saw horses and bunnies and went on many rides and ate extremely unhealthy food. (We started the day with frozen bananas, because [personal profile] thingswithwings was like, "wait, I thought that was just on Arrested Development!" And then the day went nutritionally downhill from there.) The one problem with our state fair was a lack of horticultural stuff -- I wanted giant zucchinis, competitive butter sculpture, and berry preserve competitions! That's totally one of the fun parts!

3. You probably haven't seen me around much on dw lately. This is because I slid my thumb out of joint* while in the Middle of Nowhere about five weeks ago, and it didn't heal right -- usually it just pops back in, but noooo. I'm about one week into three weeks of a really irritating hand brace that makes it difficult to type**. Also I have yet more physical therapy, but at least I get to play with non-Newtonian solids for resistance training.

Anyway, that is just to say that you likely won't see me commenting as much or at any length, and if you talk to me on IM you will find me slow and mostly lowercased.

*This is normal for me; I have congenital hypermobility.

** And also impossible to use a can opener -- I'm lucky that I'm not a different kind of person, or that could be a real problem. As it is, I can chop vegetables decently using two fingers to support the knife, so I'm okay.
eruthros: Delenn from Babylon 5 with a startled expression and the text "omg!" (Default)
1) I need the election to happen now, because of how I spend my days reading blogs and violently skyrocketing from joy and sniffles to despair and anger to complete bafflement and hilarity.

I mean, seriously, firefox's new most-visited feature informs me that, after from igoogle (my home page) and you guys, all of my most commonly visited pages are either political blogs or stuff for the super sekrit project.

2) I now have early-morning physical therapy appointments twice a week. So I'm getting up when it's still dark, going up to the office to be hit with sticks, and I have to pay for it. This hardly seems fair.

3) I cut myself on my bialetti coffee maker this morning. One of those nice deep gouges in the knuckle. How is that even possible?
eruthros: Delenn from Babylon 5 with a startled expression and the text "omg!" (Default)
The best part of my day, bar none: learning that the physical therapist could sell orthotics to the insurance company as "necessary for healing" and not "maintenance" -- which means I'm going to get them for my standard generic prescription copay of ten dollars. AWESOME.

Worst part of my day: Well, see, I need orthotics...

Also, I've been diagnosed with plantar fasciitis secondary to extremely crap stance (my phrase, not theirs), and apparently secondary to the fact that I can't lift my feet up more than 5* with my heels on the table. Apparently this is startling and very low. (Because my knees bend backwards, and this permits me to not angle my feet as much, and also requires me to roll them to the side? Or something? Biomechanics are beyond me.)

ALSO also, I've got to go in for regular hour-long appointments, in which people will do a kind of friction massage that they're supposed to "keep doing until it stops hurting" (this is why, when people say, "oh, your physical therapist is doing massage? sweet!" you should smack them). Also strange things with pulsing ultrasound, and weird stretches, some of which I'm supposed to do on my own. And lots of ice. They're like "here! you've just finished an hour of awkward stretches! please stick this ice straight on your foot for five minutes." OWWWW.

I am now prohibited: sandals, heels of any kind, long walks, sitting for more than an hour at a time, blahblahblah.

I am surprisingly okay with this whole thing, mostly because they swear to me that the orthotics will make me stop wanting to stab people, and because I'm so happy that people were taking me seriously.
eruthros: Delenn from Babylon 5 with a startled expression and the text "omg!" (FF + Dinosaur comics = best icon ever)
Okay. So. It's supposed to get up to 35+ today, and it hit 41 yesterday. But it was freezing last night.

What does that mean? Well, mostly it means that I wrenched my back and my ankle not-falling-down on my nextdoor neighbor's sidewalk. Which is covered in black ice. Apparently they don't sand or salt or anything. PAH.

Fortunately, it is a Wednesday, and I don't carry my laptop to campus on Wednesdays, so all I have to worry about is twisting an ankle or beating up my Turkish textbook. But it is supposed to be like this again tomorrow, pah.

On the other hand, high near thirty-six. I'm not wearing a sweater! Or long underwear! Or wool socks! Or a scarf and a hat and gloves! And it's only twenty-eight right now. Heaven knows what thirty-six will feel like. Heaven, I imagine. I'll get a smoothie because I'll be so overheated.

***

I hope to go the the Philadelphia Flower Show the weekend before spring break, btw, which should be the weekend of the ninth. Perhaps I will see some of y'all there? Student tickets at the door are a mere $15.
eruthros: SGA: a lemon with a scribbled face on it, text: "be a genius, damnit!!!!" (SGA - be a genius)
So today I have injured myself in such a way that pressure hurts in TWO places. I managed to slice my finger on my nice sharp knife while doing dishes, which makes this the first time that I've done such a thing. So I have a bandaid on, but it still hurts and I keep trying to figure out how to type, and also it hurts in hot water. LOVELY. I didn't need that piece of flesh, apparently.

And then! I was going to bed last night and somehow stepped funny and suddenly... owww. I used to have this happen all the time when I was a kid, something in the ankle that's neither a twist or a sprain, and I'd shout and tear up and make awful faces like Rodney McKay and then gingerly limp around until all of a sudden, wham! It was better. Well, I haven't had the better yet. So I'm gingerly mincing around the unshovelled walked on campus, continually hoping that this next step will be the step. Also, it kept me from sleeping well, because I kept bumping it and waking up shouting.
eruthros: SG1: Daniel Jackson, text: "I never wanted to be an archaeologist... I wanted to be a lumberjack!"  (SG1 - A Lumberjack!)
So. I don't know. I saw this cap of Daniel from "Orpheus" and thought to myself "self, there is someone with a very pondering, wistful expression." How I got from wistful to really wanting to be a lumberjack is anybody's guess. (Also, P6J-908 is the planet from Zero Hour with the incredible growing plant. I can never remember the designation for any of the "lovely. trees." planets.)

This is also my first attempt at animated text. *peers at icon dubiously* I find ImageReady basically 100% baffling. But it doesn't seem to have blown up yet.

*

Yesterday I worked all of our required hours at the co-op in a row, thus causing back pain and knee spasms. Still, it's nice to be done. (And they told me I was a fabulous cooperator!) But. I have this keep-on-trucking problem; it's useful for tech work and manual labor, because I'll just keep going. Like, forever. As long as there are still things to get done, I'll keep doing them -- great in terms of never failing to get the shop door up even at two am, but a bit of a bummer the next day, when I discover that lifting heavy boxes for six hours has given me incredible knee pain. (I'm in my mid-twenties and have Jack O'Neill's knees. It hardly seems fair, but it's one of them bone things that you can't really do much about.) Blahblah whine.

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eruthros: Delenn from Babylon 5 with a startled expression and the text "omg!" (Default)
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