So I'm scrolling down my spam folder in gmail when I find two great spam subject lines that taste great together:
Subject line: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Subject line of next message: Become a Crime Scene Investigation!
I find this far funnier than it deserves. I feel I could write a CSI pre-credits tag around those two sentences, actually. It is the story of a business man, who goes to Vegas thinking he can get away with ... something ... and then the next thing we know, he's dead on the pavement. In fact, I think that pretty much covers half of CSI.
Almost as good is the pairing Take the Man Quiz! / Choose complementary tones. (Yes, complementary spelled like that.) The first, of course, is spam for viagra; the second is spam for downloaded ring tones. But in combination they mean something else entirely.
Sometimes people rock: check out this product on amazon
. Yes, y'all: someone is selling gallons of milk on amazon.com. Hilarious? Weird? Baffling? All of the above?
Well, apparently nine hundred people agree with you, because they're writing reviews like this:
"This stuff is amazing! I ordered some the other day and selected express shipping so the total was like $35.00 for a gallon of milk, but it has changed my life. My once bald head is now covered in thick, Fabio-like hair, my impotence is cured, I no longer have vertigo, dementia, incontinence, ringing ears, depression, psychosis, post-nasal drip, explosive diarrhea, herpes, or the plague. Thank you Tuscan Milk!! I am totally getting this for my wife for Christmas."
"Delivered by the bronzed descendants of Roman Gods (dressed as postal workers) my Tuscan Milk arrived! Upon opening the container, the heavens opened and the angles sang! It was really quite a nuisance. My house is now littered with unemployed Romans and angels that won't shut up. They drank all my Tuscan milk. "
Or my personal favorite, the one that reviews Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz, in the style of an iPhone review: The 1 Gallon Jug of Tuscan Whole Milk's beauty alone would be enough to prompt certain members of the milk-drinking cult to dig for their credit cards. But its Milk OS X-based software makes it not so much a smartmilk as something out of "Minority Report". ( ... the rest )
Also: things I have to do by tomorrow morning at 8 am include:
1. Packing. Kind of important.
2. Dishes. Important, but not, you know, CRUCIAL. One sad little water glass still on the counter would be okay.
3. Laundry. Important, because I have to at least finish the stuff that's wet.
6. Shower, breakfast, clean out 'fridge, take out trash, etc.
7. Print out greyhound bus ticket.
In short: AHHHHH.
So, instead of dealing with that, I am ... reading the news on the internet. Whee! I have learned that the Golden State Warriors are up to ninth
in the Western Conference -- because they defeated the number-one seeded Mavs, ending the Mav's seventeen-game winning streak. Awesome! There are many pictures of Nowitzki looking a little baffled. Nowitzki was all "we just were never ready to play" and "we didn't think they had it in them," which is bullshit, because the -- read it again -- ninth
-ranked Warriors have whumped the Mavs in four straight match-ups now. And they kept Nowitzki to thirteen points. HA.