vicodin and me

[eruthros]

This is a post I started writing a while ago, and put off finishing for ages because describing bodies is hard. A lot of things have changed since I wrote this, but the basic premise hasn't.

The whole post is full of ableism (including internalized ableism). The fourth part also contains cultural appropriation + racist exoticizing.

1. My back aches. There's an icepick going right through my right scapula, and it's not going away. I can feel the pain shooting down along my nerves, zinging into my hand and my hip and up my neck, meeting up with other pain in my joints and doing strange things. No matter how much I try to relax, or how I arrange my body, muscle tightness is following that zing: I'm tensing up everywhere, trying to hold myself in just the right position, even though there is no right position and nothing makes the zing go away. I ask thingswithwings to bring me water and food. I hook my cane up behind the sofa and lean on it when I get up. My eyes water when I stand up to go to the bathroom and when I lean forward and when I pick things up and when I bend over.

I take NSAIDs, even though I know they won't work. I take a muscle relaxant, even though I know it won't work. I try heat on the tense muscles - that will at least make it a little better, right?

I don't take any vicodin.

I don't need it.

It will go away. It's just temporary. It won't last. Tomorrow I'll be fine.

I've already had NSAIDs. Liver failure is a serious issue.

I only have so much vicodin. What if my doctor wants to know how much I've used? What if it's a test? I'd better not use it all. I'd better be able to tell him I've only used it a few times, only when I really, really needed it.

I'll have some vodka instead.

My vicodin prescription is pretty strong, it's overkill for this, really.

It makes me nauseated.

I don't like the way it makes me feel.

I don't need it.


2. The first thing my mom said to me when I mentioned vicodin was:

"But that's addictive!"

She said it in a sort of astonished and confused and betrayed voice, something like they way she might've said "but that's illegal!"

As if there's any way I might not know that. As if I needed to have that conversation again, just to make sure, you know, that I had really considered it thoroughly.


3. It takes me thirty minutes to get into bed. Not thirty minutes to brush my teeth and do bedtime tasks: thirty minutes to get into the bed. I grit my teeth and try all different angles of attack: if I could just bend - no. If I shift my weight so - no. Maybe if I sort of roll - no. No, really really no. I end up on my knees, on the floor next to the mattress, leaning my chest forward to rest on the bed.

I stop for a while and put my face on the sheets and think about just sleeping like that.

Eventually I get up on my knees, push myself forward and shift my weight and finally get my torso onto the mattress. It takes another five minutes to lift my legs up.

I don't take any vicodin.

I don't need it.

It's bedtime; my evening meds will knock me out so it doesn't matter how I feel.

It's not that bad. Not compared to other people's pain.

If it's not better in the morning, I'll take some then.

Really.

I will.


4. My mom's boss ran into me in a cafe. "Oh! eruthros! It's so lovely to see you!"

She sat down between me and the only exit. She smiled widely and gestured vaguely towards my cane and the pill case on the table with her chin. "I hear you've been having some sort of chronic pain medical problems."

I kept eating my bagel. "Yes." I said. "I don't want to -"

"Do you think it might be lyme disease? Because I've heard a lot about chronic lyme disease."

"No."

"Listen, I really just wanted to recommend homeopathy, which is so great for that sort of systemic problem where, you know, Western doctors just don't know what to do. It really can fix all kinds of problems."

"Mmmmm." She's my mom's boss, and I don't want to piss her off, but I'm so sick of this shit, so I just sit there and make noises. I don't mention the history of homeopathic medicine. I don't tell her about the treatments I've tried. I don't say anything.

"Or other kinds of holistic medicine, really! Do you have an alternative medicine doctor where you live? You should find one and go see him. Especially if he does homeopathy or acupuncture."

"Mmmm."

"Acupuncture is just - oh, it's wonderful. I had shingles a few years ago, all over my body, even under my hair. The pain was so bad I thought I was having a stroke. And I went in to the emergency room, and they said it was shingles, and they wanted to keep me in the hospital and give me morphine and things, and I said no way, I just checked myself out of there."

"Mmmm."

"And then I got home, and I threw out all the narcotics - just threw them out! And I went to an acupuncturist instead. It's just such a pure feeling, acupuncture. It makes you really aware of the electrical currents running under your skin, which all of us have forgotten, and it's just a mystical and transformative experience."

"Mmmm."

"The first time I went to acupuncture I lay there in the dark sobbing. Not because of the pain, it doesn't hurt at all, just because I felt so connected to the universe in a way that nobody still feels anymore, you know?"

"Mmmm."

"Anyway, do go see a homeopathic doctor. Or an acupuncturist."

"I'll look into it," I said. And I stood up and juggled my bags and my water bottle and my pill case and my cane before I walked out.


5. I wake up the next morning and I feel a little bit better. See? No big deal! I can get out of bed and walk to the sofa, no problem.

I try to bend over to pet Rorschach good morning and I can't do it. It hurts too much. He wags his tail and wags his tail and looks up at me; I can't reach down that far. He clearly thinks I'm mad at him, and he keeps coming over to me once I sit down on the sofa and going wag, wag, wag, why won't you pet me?

I can't reach him.

When he jostles me I groan.

But I'm feeling better now than I did last night. It'll probably get better over the course of the day. Probably pretty quickly, even. I'll just take my morning meds and that'll take care of it. I'll zone out on some flash games. I'll zone out on tv. I'll get drunk this evening.

I'll give it another few hours, you know, just in case.

I only have so much vicodin.

The pain isn't that bad. Really.

I don't really need it.

Maybe later.


6. The day I got a prescription for vicodin was one of those days dedicated to doctors. I saw my primary care doctor in the morning, and we talked about pain for a while, and then he said, just out of the blue, "would you mind trying vicodin instead?" I blinked in astonishment, because I'd heard so much about people's difficulty getting opiate painkillers, and then I said "sure?" We talked a bit about spacing around my other meds and about how many pills I could take at a time and about using it for migraines. ("Sure, try it for migraines too," he said, "because the prophylaxis options are limited once you're on X and Y.")

So I took my prescriptions and got on the bus and headed out towards my other appointment of the day - a one-time referral to a physiatrist, who was, in theory, going to advise my physical therapists on how to avoid doing harm. I'd filled out a heap of introductory paperwork and mailed it in a week ago, I'd brought all of the various braces and straps and tapes given to me by various physical therapists and the ones I'd bought myself, I had a list of exercises-we-have-tried from my PT, I had the imaging results on CDs in my going-to-see-doctors-folder. I checked in at the front desk, and I read my book for a while, and then I finally got in to see the doctor. She had all of my paperwork and half of my file from my primary care doctor spread out over the table.

"So all of this is an accurate picture of your current medications and physical therapy?" she said.

"Oh, no, actually, I just got a new prescription." I pulled the sheet out of my going-to-see-doctors folder. "For hydrocodone/acetaminophen. I haven't taken any yet."

"I should hope not!" she said. "That's vicodin."

"Yes?" I said.

"Why isn't it in your paperwork that you're taking vicodin?"

"I just got the prescription today -"

"You need to tell me whenever you get a prescription for opiates!"

I thought, but didn't say to her, that I just did tell her.

She stomped over to her desk and pulled out an Opiate Agreement. "Sign this," she said. "Read it and take it seriously."

I read it. It said she'd need to be notified immediately of any change in my opiate prescription. It said she would have access to my pharmacy records to check up on me. It used the word "addictive" a lot. Sometimes it was underlined. I was only seeing her once - could only see her once, that's how the referral worked. She wasn't my doctor. She had no input into my treatment except for PT, she had no input into my diagnosis, she had no input into my medications - in fact, she could not prescribe me meds according to my insurance company.

I needed her to refer me on to physical therapy. I signed it.


7. I'll take some tomorrow. But right now I'm fine, really, as long as I don't move, and anyway soon I'll be going to bed again, and I'll sleep no matter what, and anyway I already had NSAIDs and gin and tonics and fucking tylenol, and I need to tell my doctor how much I took this month, and what if something worse happens next week, and other people can live with this kind of pain, and it's just because I'm a wimp, and it's really no big deal, and I don't need to take vicodin, and anyway it makes me feel shitty, and I shouldn't need it, and I know as I'm repeating them that none of those reasons make any sense, that they're not real reasons at all, that I have this drug for a reason, that it doesn't fucking matter what people say about it, that I need it. I know I'm taking tylenol so I have an excuse not to take the vicodin, but I still take the tylenol.

And even though I know it's bullshit, it's still there in my head, and I can't do it. There are all these other ways to manage pain: I should be doing them instead. I should be doing something different, something better, I shouldn't need it.

But if it still hurts this much, I'll take some tomorrow. Really. I will. Tomorrow.


8. There's a free clinic in town that I walk past when I go to the grocery store. They do all sorts of free health care for people without insurance - they have doctors and nurses and acupuncturists and massage therapists and other kinds of medicine as well. They put up a sign about being wanting to be welcoming to everyone.

They also put up a different sign: "This clinic does not prescribe narcotics for any reason."

I always hope there's a legal reason for it, but the thing is, it doesn't really matter why that sign is there. It says the same thing either way: it is more important to prevent some people from accessing narcotics that they're addicted to than it is for other (poor) people in pain to be able to control that pain.

If I had no health insurance, they wouldn't be welcoming to me.


9. I get up. I feel awful. It's just the same as it was yesterday and the day before. It hasn't gone away.

"Tell me it's okay to take vicodin right now," I say to thingswithwings

"It's okay to take vicodin right now," she says, and she goes and gets me my pills.

I take vicodin.

I feel better.

Comments

[petra]

I do not have chronic pain, but when I get cramps or migraines, nothing will knock them out except the oxycodone + acetaminophen, sometimes in conjunction with NSAIDS. I can relate to "But that's *Percocet!*"--in case I didn't know and as if that's supposed to shame me into not needing it anymore, somehow.

So, telling you what you already know, but what I need to hear sometimes, too, when I have woken myself and my SO up every fifteen minutes whimpering in pain and it's 3AM: It is okay to take vicodin when you need it. No one, especially you, will let you forget that you need to watch out for its dastardly addictive nature.

I don't belong to a faith that believes that we get gold stars from the universe for being in pain. That's certainly an undercurrent in a lot of cultural narratives, including the one that goes "Other people have it worse, so my pain doesn't count enough."

I hate the thought of your being in any pain when you have the possibility of lessening it. Please reread this post when you're fighting taking the nausea-inducing, pain-relieving drugs, but you know they will help more than they hurt.

[aris_tgd]

Basically +1 to this entire comment.

(Um, except that I don't have personal experience with people being shocked at me, I just feel awful that people do that to other people. I'm so sorry people do that to you. I'm glad you have things available for your pain.)

[eruthros]

Me too re: things available for pain. I've got to say, though, that the number of people who consider themselves experts on narcotics and addiction is just amazing!

[aris_tgd]

Well, you have to understand, they totally saw an episode of House, once, so that means they know what they're talking about.

I'm reminded of the dueling actual heroin/musical about heroin use storylines on the final season of Slings and Arrows, for some reason...

[eruthros]

I mean, I do know that intellectually! The whole problem is all of the cultural baggage that is also in my brain that does battle with that knowledge - I did write this post initially thinking that articulating it would make me more able to recognize all the avoidance and your-pain-is-no-big-deal and etc stories that are so deeply grooved into my brain.

I am always amazed at people's astonishment that I could POSSIBLY be taking vicodin, that "but that's AN OPIATE!" attitude, argh argh argh.

And also at the doctors who tell me, basically, that I shouldn't take painkillers until I have no pain - not the ones who say "uh, sorry, that's not going to happen, probably, so let's try to turn it down as far as we can" but the ones who tell me that if I'm in no pain I've taken too many pills, that they're not ~for~ that.

[petra]

The battle between things we know rationally and things we think we ought to be doing anyway is an evil, evil thing, and I wish you the best of luck with it.

My mom-in-law was given norco/vicodin when she had bladder surgery, which is a darn good time to give somebody no-messing-around painkillers, and I would bet the vast majority of prescriptions for our friends the Opiates are for people in your situation or hers. Stupid, stupid War On Drugs programming that exaggerates the dangers and doesn't mention the perfectly normal applications.

I find doctors who are willing to tolerate your pain as a matter of course mindboggling. It makes me want to wish pain on them to make them realize what they're doing, though not even they deserve that.

I wonder how often people get funny looks for having spray-whipped-cream in their fridge or spray paint that could be an inhalant.

[cereta]

What she said, with my reaction to all the alarmists redacted.

[cereta]

Also: Vistaril. It fights the nausea of vicodin and makes it work better. Ask your doctor about it and MAKE THEM LOOK IT UP.

[dirty_diana]

A+. The half-informed, judgmental way that people talk about opiates is one of my major soapboxes. I've had doctors refuse to treat my pain symptoms adequately and babble on about pathology instead, even though if you look up my illness in a medical textbook it says exactly one thing: TREAT THE DAMN PAIN. But they won't even follow accepted protocol because oh no opiates are bad. And I get that certain things are making it to the streets in large quantities, but criminals will always figure out a way around laws and scary signs. Honest folks in pain, not so much.

(Also? One or two vicodin is actually not a *lot* of hydrocodone, relative to what some folks have to take daily to get by. Not that the fear mongers will ever tell you this.)

link re: #4, cure evangelism.

[eruthros]

I know! My actual prescription is technically for norco (stronger formulation), but everyone always calls it vicodin, even. *eyeroll* And my primary care doctor (who is awesome) has in point of fact never given me shit about it. He asks how my pain is and what its qualities are, we talk about doses, he writes the scripts, he says how much I can take in a day before I risk acetaminophen toxicity, and then he calls it a day.

But the messages I get from my pharmacy, from my rheumatologist (who wants blood tests to confirm I'm taking it and not selling it EVEN THO it's as needed and EVEN THO he isn't prescribing it), from my physical therapists (who want to let me know that some pain is good pain), from the assholes who want to analyze when I take it and why, blahblah whatever. And a lot of it is just microaggression bullshit stuff, but it all builds up in my head into this big complex about You're Taking Opiates When You Don't Need Them. And I would turn around to anyone else and say, oh, well, that is all bullshit, take them when you need them! But it's hard to talk sternly to the inside of my head.

I am basically so fucking lucky that I hit on a bunch of other meds that work for me and that the vicodin is for breakthrough stuff, because the neuropathic painkiller and the cox-2 inhibitor don't get anywhere like that kind of policing.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm not signing in to say this because I'm technically a criminal (you don't know me anyway) but WORD. I get grilled all the time on how much lorazepam have you taken, how much codeine have you taken, don't you know IT'S ADDICTIVE?!? and even when my family are all telling me "you really need to take this, it's okay to need this, please stop hurting yourself by not taking your medicine" I CAN'T because they'll be mad at me and maybe they'll take it away and when I swallow it I know I'm weak (I'm not) and an junkie (I'm not) and they make me hate myself.

I'm right near the bottom of the carfully chilled bottle of morphine I got two years ago from my dying grandmother, bless her, and I don't know what I'll do on the really really bad nights without it.

*friendly gestures*

[eruthros]

YES. The brain battle between knowing intellectually that it's not a problem and all of those memes that tell me that it is - it's exactly like "I'm weak (I'm not) and a junkie (I'm not)." I'm fighting myself over it and losing.

Despite all of the fucking bullshit rules about ID and medication transfer and blahblahblah, I know many people who are using their leftover prescription from oral surgery or meds from a friend or whatever because it's so hard to be believed and to make a case to a doctor and not be seen as "pill-seeking." (I'm like, yes, I'm pill-seeking! Because they make the pain better! And I'm running out! So I came here seeking more! Argh.)

*friendly gestures back*

[secondsilk]

There is a weird sense of cognitive disconnect between knowing that world is screwed up and prevents people from living whole lives for no other reason than ability (or race or gender or sexuality, etc), and being aware of the how that looks in concrete terms for real people.

Thank you very much for sharing. I hope that it is something that helps for you as well. It's okay to take Vicodin if you're in pain. (Is there any comfort in the thought that if your doctor is concerned about how many you've taken, he'll reduce the prescription or not renew it?)

It does amaze me that people not related to your medication or even your health care at all would voice opinions about your medication. (Also as though a prescription for Vicodin says anything more about you than the fact that you have a certain sort of chronic pain that needs to be managed. (And maybe that your Doctor trusts your self awareness, knowledge of your own pain.))

[eruthros]

Is there any comfort in the thought that if your doctor is concerned about how many you've taken, he'll reduce the prescription or not renew it?

Ha, the amazing thing is that my primary care doctor has never seemed to express concern! He's pretty good on the subject of pain, and he just wants to know how it's working and what I'm using them for. Probably. That's what he says out loud, anyway. But I build it up in my head because all of the specialists and nurses and etc that I see are so concerned and want to know all the details - so it's not very comforting, because it just makes me feel paranoid and on guard and like I have to be a Good Patient.

[secondsilk]

Like, we're so used to fighting medical professionals that when we don't have to, we become suspicious? Or that you have to be worthy of his trust (as though he's not aware of the risks and the paranoid about opiates)?

I had a really easy with my psychiatrist. It's not like I wanted him to test me, but at the same he didn't, so how do I know I would have passed? I'm trans, which is quite different. But I do have to remind myself that life is better now and the 'treatment' works.

Anyway, your doctor sounds great. Pity about all the other people messing that up.

[eruthros]

Anyway, your doctor sounds great. Pity about all the other people messing that up.

I think it's really hard for it to not be messed up - the cultural messages all around (many) people who take opiates are all focused on making that same guilt and shame and fear. I get it from the pharmacists and from the specialists and from TV shows and from special opiate agreement forms and rules about how I can pick up my prescriptions and even from the warning labels they stick on the bottle, you know?

And so my doctor has so far been a good guy, but he hasn't said anything tremendously reassuring, it's just how he acts. When I have an appointment with him, I'm talking to someone who has a lot of power over my life, and I have to try to figure out how he feels about opiates and chronic pain and whether or not he believes me and what can I do to make him believe me and etc. So it does make me paranoid, in part because I have to be paranoid - all I have to document the existence of pain is whether or not he believes me, because there are no tests for it.

[dirty_diana]

The gatekeeper issue is important, IMO. I have a friend who common acquaintances have "decided" is addicted, because she posts on social media about her experiences with doctors and trying to get prescriptions. And I can never get them to understand, that if she tweets about doctors not trusting her, that's what they're programmed to do and it says as much about them. Everyone on opiate meds has experienced it and it proves very little. If she tweets about telling the doctor what she knows they expect to hear from a person at her pain level, that's what the system is designed for her to do. She didn't create it. She can only try to navigate it.

But all they process is OMG SHE WANTS DRUGS. As you point out above there's a difference between seeking pills to get high and seeking pills because pain sucks. They look the same from the outside, but aren't the same at all.

(Soapbox. I warned you. *g*)

[sasha_feather]

I hear you, and I love you.

These thoughts and experiences, well, variations upon them, are one of the reasons I'm afraid to ask for a prescription for narcotics, which I need.

[eruthros]

Yeah - I was leery, too. There's an important cultural difference between saying "I am still in pain; is there anything we can do?" and saying "look, can we just try narcotics already?" I was really lucky that my doc asked if I wanted them so that I didn't have to do it.

<3<3

[sasha_feather]

Also, this plays into the scarcity model of resources for PWD: there are only a limited number of elevators, disabled parking spaces, and vicodin pills, so clearly they must be rationed out and the people who need them the most should get them first. The trouble is, we can always imagine someone needing it more than us. Also, why this scarcity?

If we create sufficiency, or even surplus, then we don't have to rely on this mentality. There are plenty of elevators, plenty of parking spaces, plenty of pills.

[eruthros]

Yes! Your comment reminded me of these signs that used to be up in one of the campus libraries. They aren't there anymore, but they said something like "using this elevator uses energy that hurts the earth; only take it if you really need it" and I think there were other ones that were like "we only have two elevators and people with wheelchairs need them; only take an elevator if you really need it."

Which, like, thanks guys! Like I needed more reasons to beat myself up about how I should take the stairs instead! And also, it's 100% a systemic problem: the energy that runs this elevator hurts the earth? Well, how about using alternative energy instead? Put some solar panels on the roof? But instead, it gets turned into a project of individual scarcity: everyone should individually make the Right Choice to help the environment! We're ruining things for other PWD by taking the elevators!

And ditto re: there is a ton of vicodin in the world. Except again artificial scarcity: I know from hanging out with doctors that docs at (some?) hospitals who prescribe opiates "too frequently" get questioned about it, told to be more careful, what if people are selling it, blahblah, So then doctors do act like there's scarcity, because they're worried about their evaluations/job/etc. It's such a horrible system in every way.

[jesse_the_k]

U R SMRT

[sasha_feather]

I learned everything I know from you, Jesse!

[chagrined]

I will tell you to take your vicodin over IM any time you need me, buddy. ♥

[eruthros]

Thanks buddy <3

[meloukhia]

This is a really great piece! Which feels like a weird thing to say...but there are so many busted social attitudes around pain management in general and with narcotics in particular, I can't even.

I don't understand what point people are even trying to make with the shaming, I really don't.

Seconding the offer to be a back-up on IM/Twitter any time you need one.

[eruthros]

Thanks buddy! I appreciate both the compliment and the back-up :)

The amazing combination of cure evangelism and drug-/treatment-shaming is really mind-blowing sometimes.

[jesse_the_k]

Hmmm, that's an interesting juxtaposition -- do you think they're connected? If we dull the pain then we won't crawl across hot coals for a cure?

Brilliant, brilliant piece. I am thankful that you made it through all those painful nights and were able to write it down for us.

What's sad is sometimes I get in the same box even when it's non-narcotic pain relief. When I'm cooking a migraine, I'll usually have some early warning ("aura", but not always visual, sometimes tingles or tastes or sounds). That is the best time to take a tryptan to abort the headache. But I'll go through the exact same self-defeating path -- my other drugs will kick in; once I'm vertical it will be better; once I've eaten something ... and it's five hours before I down the pill and start getting rid of the migraine. The pointless evil interior message is something like, "Nahh, you're not really worth a $25 pill. Nahh, you're just exaggerating. Nahh you're just a whiner."

Internalized ableism for the lose.

[hekaterine]

I'm sorry you feel so much pain. *hugs*

[isagel]

I take codein for my occasional migraines/tension headaches. I would never tell my mom this, because she would be so freaked out by the possible addictiveness. One box of the things lasts me a year, a year and a half, and yet I hide them like something I'm ashamed of. The whole mental process is so weird.

[eruthros]

Yes! The dual mental process that includes both "I shouldn't be ashamed of this" and "I am ashamed of this" - bleh.

[monanotlisa]

So much fucking love to you. This, I hear this. Not every word, but every other one, and the message in-between and the bottom line too. <3

[toft]

<3 this is such a great post. Thanks for making it; I hope it and the comments help. I respect you a lot.

[some_stars]

The whole system of pain medication and the culture around it are so messed up and hateful, and I'm sorry you're caught in it.

[vi]

Thank you for this post; I hear you. <3

[commodorified]

Thank you for this. I read it and then I took my Tramadol.

may I link?

[kore]

Here via network - wow, great post.

Also, as an actual recovering addict and someone who has chronic pain (including migraines), there is SUCH A HUGE DIFFERENCE between someone who takes narcotics for pain and someone who takes them to get high, I can't even. I actually knew one addict who refused any and all painkillers while he was dying of cancer because he was so terrified of somehow getting addicted again. It was awful. IMHO it's absolutely criminal how the "Just Say No" bullshit has fucked up pain management treatment in the US.

[runpunkrun]

I really value the way you write about your body and pain and pain management, in passing reference or longer posts like this, because I can't, or won't, one of those. Mostly because of reactions like #4. And of course the feeling that I'm whining, that it's really not that bad. But when you talk about it, all I feel is empathy. I don't know why I can't be that nice to myself.

I've had a similar relationship to many of the pills I take or have taken. If I take one, I feel weak, like I've failed because I shouldn't have needed to take it. Even though they help.

[livrelibre]

This is a great post and if you ever want vicodin taking encouragement I'm available. <3

[cathalin]

Fantastic post. I've been dealing with chronic migraine for a long long time, and have these kinds of issues even with non narcotic forms of medication at times. Helping a child of mine with psychiatric issues through the maze of those meds has been mind opening as well; it's so weird to see what things are heavily heavily regulated and what things aren't.

The number of people who, unsolicited, give medical advice, is just mind boggling to me. This was true when I was pregnant, by the way. And if I had a dollar for every time someone has been like, "hey, migraines, you should try xyz it will fix it!" just, lol. As if I haven't tried or considered everything.

The one piece of ~advice at you, though, is that your primary care doctor is the only one who truly sees and deals with the whole picture, and guess what? He's totally on board with narcotics and in fact SUGGESTED them!!! There is no way that a primary care doctor in today's world would do that if he had any doubts about your ability to handle them. It's a prescription and he means you to use it. <333 Fuck everyone else, seriously. Why even respond. Just sign the freaking things you have to and let them talk at you. (Easier said than done, I get that... just being a cheerleader here).

I hear you on the fear, though -- that something will happen and it'll be taken away. Hence, the way we all stash things like that against a rainy day.:(((

[blushingflower]

There is no shame in taking pain medicine. You do not get a gold star for suffering. Your pain is not less real or less meaningful or less worthy of relief than other people's pain.

I happen to think that if you *can* find other ways that work, you should use them, because I think it is good to have as many things in your toolkit as possible, especially if the meds make you feel icky (which is probably better than in pain, but sometimes that's a trade off and you have to decide which is worse, the pain or the nausea). Also, of course, from the "working the system" angle, it is always better to be able to say "I have tried X and Y and Z and none of them worked, here's what happened." Like when you call tech support and you say "yes, I turned it off and unplugged it and then restarted, it's still frelled". My metamour is an acupuncturist, and she believes that she helps people, but I would never ever say "oh, just do acupuncture, you don't need opiates" (which are also a "traditional medicine" if you think about the fact that people were probably using them long before we could make them into pills). Fuck that. Sometimes you need the heavy-duty stuff.

[cesare]

I don't get these people who react with kneejerk "THAT drug???" I'm sorry you have pain so serious that sometimes it requires vicodin, and I'm glad that the vicodin helps (and then sorry again that it's imperfect and side-effecty.) I hope you feel better.

[ryca]

First: I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this kind of pain, and this kind of stress over your attempts to deal with the pain.

Then: A friend of mine (K) actually lost a friendship a few years back after getting a text that essentially said "All of your friends are worried about your vicodin use". She has migraines. Only thing that helps is vicodin. End of story, but somehow this friend (A) felt that it was HER business, and somehow felt comfortable speaking for "all" of the friends, and threw so much random shaming on to my friend K that she ended up in pain for ages, going back and counting her pills and checking her prescription history online just to make sure that she didn't really "have a problem" (yes, she does have a problem - it's called "migraines", but anyhow). Fortunately, my friend K let A the text-sender float on out of her life, but it was still a horrible thing to do, in my opinion.

Last: I ended up in the emergency room with pleurisy a month or so ago - chest pains that stabbed like a lance every time I breathed. I could barely walk. I told the ER doctor "the last time I had this, in 2007, they gave my hydromorphone, but I hated it because it made my arms itch and tingle. Vicodin screws up my stomach and a bunch of other stuff, too. I'm really just here to make sure that it's not a heart attack." They asked if I'd taken any advil, and I said that my neurologist had warned me that analgesic overuse could lead to a rebound headache (which is what I typically take it for), and since I'd taken advil the day before for a headache, I hadn't had any that day for the pleurisy.

The ER doc told me that only narcotics give rebound headaches (?). Then she made a point of telling me about five times that they didn't feel the need to give me narcotics.

I hadn't asked for narcotics. I had listed two narcotics that I'd been given in the past and why I didn't want them. And asked if advil would do the trick, or if they had any painkillers that wouldn't get me high. So she kept talking about narcotics. I wanted to scream at her. "I am in PAIN. I am not here to get HIGH. I am not asking for DRUGS. I am seeking MEDICATION. Shut your moralizing mouth and give me something that makes it feel like I'm not having a heart attack".

She gave me a shot in the butt of liquid advil, as far as I can tell. It mostly worked. Except that it's been more than a month, and I'm still in frequent pain, and still pacing out my advil usage.

In other words, the system is ridiculously broken, and pain sucks, and I'm sorry for all of the judgemental, panicky people who feel the need to tell you how to take care of yourself. Also, I completely don't understand the people who tell you that getting to the point of "no pain" is somehow unnecessary or undesireable. The hell? Since "no pain" is kind of my goal on an all-the-time basis, I'm not sure why it shouldn't be an option for you, as well.

It's more than OK to take the vicodin.

[sothcweden]

You don't know me, but I wanted to tell you that I wish you weren't in pain, and that it sounds like the system you're dealing with is messed up. I hope you can be gentle with yourself in future, and it's good you have someone who can tell you to just take the things.