A true story that is true

[eruthros]

In which thingswithwings and I finally realize the TRUTH about the scifi channel's monster movies. The horrifying, Philip-K-Dickian truth.

eruthros: Oh man, I just learned that Bruce Boxleitner is in a scifi original picture called "snakehead terror" in which there are evil SNAKEHEAD FISH. Presumably they look like snakes.

thingswithwings: oh, oh, I knew that!
thingswithwings: remember? I told you about that
thingswithwings: when I found it on IMDB one time
thingswithwings: when I was looking up B5 actors

eruthros: I remembered you'd told me he was in a giant snake film
eruthros: I had not realized that they were MUTATED SNAKEFISH

thingswithwings: hahahaha
thingswithwings: well, that's the scifi channel
thingswithwings: always stepping it up a notch

eruthros: TRUE
eruthros: This is an amazing list. It really indicates why they're having ratings issues.
eruthros: S.S. Doomtrooper! ("a 2006 made-for-TV science fiction movie starring Corin Nemec, in which a mutated Nazi supersoldier (which is blue, has glowing veins, can generate electrical radiation as a weapon, has greatly enhanced strength and size, and is a mindless monster) fights against Allied troops during World War II")
eruthros: Locusts: The 8th Plague.
eruthros: FRANKENFISH.

thingswithwings: like, it seems like it's just as well they're not calling themselves scifi anymore
thingswithwings: because they have a very different idea of what that means than I do

eruthros: I can't believe that the scifi channel got TWO original films out of the invasive snakehead fish incident in ... whenever, 2003 or so.

thingswithwings: also, are all SG-franchise actors contractually obligated to do a bad scifi original monster flick?

eruthros: they must be!
eruthros: It's like "if we renew your show..."

thingswithwings: "you have to sacrifice one of your actors on the altar of bad scifi movies. WHO WILL IT BE!"
thingswithwings: Richard Dean Anderson pushes Corin Nemec forward

eruthros: by the seventh season renewal, however, that is not a big enough sacrifice
eruthros: and Michael Shanks must go!

thingswithwings: right
thingswithwings: everyone hugs him and tells him it'll be alright
thingswithwings: they'll get through this together
thingswithwings: but when he comes back, he's different
thingswithwings: more subdued, somehow

eruthros: the scifi channel paid for a recent B5 movie, which is probably how they got their hooks into Bruce Boxleitner.
eruthros: and they try to get him to talk about it

thingswithwings: aha!
thingswithwings: they're so crafty

eruthros: or to not talk about it, just have an ice cream or something
eruthros: but nothing seems to work!

thingswithwings: maybe they've formed a support group

eruthros: David Hewlett, otoh, is so GGG that he volunteers even before the first episode of SGA

thingswithwings: hahahahahaha
thingswithwings: OH GOD
thingswithwings: it's so horrifyingly true

eruthros: ISN'T IT? ISN'T IT?

thingswithwings: I can't even deal!

eruthros: And everyone on the Atlantis set is all "what's up with that Hewlett guy? doesn't he seem kinda weird to you?"
eruthros: but they didn't know him BEFORE
eruthros: so they don't know how he's been CHANGED by it

thingswithwings: right!
thingswithwings: later, Joe and Rachel and Jason and Torri all learn the truth
thingswithwings: when the SG1 people do episodes on their show
thingswithwings: Christopher Judge is like, "You have to know something"

eruthros: of course it's Chris Judge

thingswithwings: "I have to tell you this so that you can avoid the same awful fate"

eruthros: and he draws JFlan aside

thingswithwings: it is! He saw what happened to Michael Shanks
thingswithwings: and Corin Nemec

eruthros: they used to be BEST FRIENDS, Chris and Michael

thingswithwings: Corin Nemec became a SCIENTOLOGIST!

eruthros: It's a sad story.

thingswithwings: really it is.

eruthros: sometimes, the SCIFI ptb come in looking for someone
eruthros: anyone
eruthros: and they grab that guy and ship him off to Bulgaria

thingswithwings: in the middle of the night

eruthros: and the writers just carefully write around it

thingswithwings: big burly guys with tasers come to their trailer

eruthros: they don't want to anger the powers that be, lest they be required to write a giant snakehead fish film

thingswithwings: ha, indeed
thingswithwings: that is the fate that awaits all failed SG-franchise writers

eruthros: and, yeah, big burly guys with tasers
eruthros: and there's screaming off in the distance, and everyone pretends not to hear, because they know: there's nothing you can do
eruthros: Michael Shanks tried to get out any way he could!
eruthros: He even QUIT THE SHOW!

thingswithwings: he tried to quit the show!
thingswithwings: yes!
thingswithwings: that's why Corin Nemec had to take his place initially
thingswithwings: in the Great Snake Movie Sacrifice

eruthros: but then he was somehow brought back -- he doesn't know how, but one day, he suddenly becomes aware of the fact that he is sitting in his trailer, just like he'd never left
eruthros: and a DeLuise is knocking on the door
eruthros: "Michael? There's someone here from the network to see you."

thingswithwings: "He says you owe them something."
thingswithwings: man, this whole theory is just so plausible
thingswithwings: I almost want to write it up as an action-paranoia-thriller
thingswithwings: and sell it to scifi

Comments

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

*SCREAMS*

Oh man, now I'm actually reieved that SGA was cancelled. Maybe Rachel Luttrell and Jason Momoa will make it out unscathed. For the CHILDREN.

[eruthros]

I hope they are not already entangled too closely with TPTB! Perhaps they can yet escape, and will not have to fight CGI or animatronic fire-snakes! I will pray for them.

[aelfgyfu_mead]

You know, of all the people I can think of who have done SciFi movies-of-the-week...I can't think of any who weren't white. Rachel Luttrell and Jason Momoa might be safe, ironically.

Of course, I'm probably forgetting people, and there would go my whole theory.

[eruthros]

I can't think of any people of color starring in those scifi original pictures -- though, of course, I haven't seen most of them, so it would be easy for me to miss someone!

But I imagine you're right, based on what I've seen of the network overall.

[isagel.livejournal.com]

I almost want to write it up as an action-paranoia-thriller
and sell it to scifi

This needs to be done, you know that, right?

[eruthros]

I will try to make thingswithwings do it, because it's HILARIOUS.

[seticat.livejournal.com]

I agree. It *seriously* needs to be done.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I wholeheartedly believe that Scifi would buy that script, and probably spend half a year's publicity budget on it.

It would star Bill Mumy.

Poor bastard never had a chance.

[anatsuno.livejournal.com]

qshgkfjhsdkgh!! YES, YES.

[mirabile-dictu.livejournal.com]

HAHAHA! Oh my god, this is TRUE, isn't it? Oh my god, it explains so very much . . .

[eruthros]

I think it is. I think it is totally true! And that Joe Mallozzi hates JFlan because JFlan loudly refused to star in Anaconda: Fire Snake From Hell (aka "Anaconda V"), thus ruining the silent complicity that all the writers had been enjoying.

[aelfgyfu_mead]

S.S. Doomtrooper! ("a 2006 made-for-TV science fiction movie starring Corin Nemec, in which a mutated Nazi supersoldier (which is blue, has glowing veins, can generate electrical radiation as a weapon, has greatly enhanced strength and size, and is a mindless monster) fights against Allied troops during World War II")
I saw part of that! It was actually funny, for a few minutes.

Then it just wasn't anymore.

I felt so bad for Corin Nemec!

[eruthros]

I missed it, sadly -- it does sound like it might be amusing for a little while. But, as you say, probably only for fifteen minutes.

[aurora]

[info]thingswithwings: they'll get through this together
[info]thingswithwings: but when he comes back, he's different
[info]thingswithwings: more subdued, somehow
OH GOD.


(This thriller should absolutely exist!)

[eruthros]

I agree! I think she should write it :)

[rheanna27.livejournal.com]

This is worryingly plausible.

I am now thinking that the real reason SGA was cancelled was because the entire cast banded together and refused to sacrifice one of their number to the horrors of Mansquito 3: Revenge of the Larvoids.

[eruthros]

After all, they'd already given up David Hewlett and David Nykl before the show even started! A clear sign that the network was going to ask for too much, always too much and too soon -- and who would be next? Clearly they had to draw a line in the sand! :)

[cesare]

I am now thinking that the real reason SGA was cancelled was because the entire cast banded together and refused to sacrifice one of their number to the horrors of Mansquito 3: Revenge of the Larvoids.

Probably not. Hewlett is in Bulgaria right now doing something for SyFy, and with a little IMDb detective work, lucitania suspects that he may be making Lake Placid 3: The Killer Crocodile Terror Continues Further. D:

[pocky_slash.livejournal.com]

A+++ would read this post again! I don't normally read RPF, but I would sell a kidney to read an epic fic of this.

Also, um, I had SS Doomstrooper on my DVR for an embarrassingly long time. I LOVE THESE MOVIES, OKAY? Oh my god, that one was hilarious. I also love the one that Nykl was in with the Pterodactyl. I think that one was my favorite before I even started watching SGA.

[eruthros]

I WOULD TOO. I want thingswithwings to write it times 10000.

Also, I do not judge you! I love badfic and bad movies and bad tv too! I mostly don't care for the monster movies, but I have to say, Boa vs Python is AMAZING and really the culmination of the entire giant snake genre.

[livrelibre.livejournal.com]

This explains everything and I need this thriller in my liiife! Slightly OT, but there was Cinematic Titanic playing while I was on vacation and I missed it! I think this calls for beer and Boa vs. Python (after I clean).

[cesare]

I almost want to write it up as an action-paranoia-thriller
and sell it to scifi

LOLLL. Use the character names/basic personalities, and this would make an amazing crossover AU.