A true story that is true
Mar. 17th, 2009 03:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
In which
thingswithwings and I finally realize the TRUTH about the scifi channel's monster movies. The horrifying, Philip-K-Dickian truth.
eruthros: Oh man, I just learned that Bruce Boxleitner is in a scifi original picture called "snakehead terror" in which there are evil SNAKEHEAD FISH. Presumably they look like snakes.
thingswithwings: oh, oh, I knew that!
thingswithwings: remember? I told you about that
thingswithwings: when I found it on IMDB one time
thingswithwings: when I was looking up B5 actors
eruthros: I remembered you'd told me he was in a giant snake film
eruthros: I had not realized that they were MUTATED SNAKEFISH
thingswithwings: hahahaha
thingswithwings: well, that's the scifi channel
thingswithwings: always stepping it up a notch
eruthros: TRUE
eruthros: This is an amazing list. It really indicates why they're having ratings issues.
eruthros: S.S. Doomtrooper! ("a 2006 made-for-TV science fiction movie starring Corin Nemec, in which a mutated Nazi supersoldier (which is blue, has glowing veins, can generate electrical radiation as a weapon, has greatly enhanced strength and size, and is a mindless monster) fights against Allied troops during World War II")
eruthros: Locusts: The 8th Plague.
eruthros: FRANKENFISH.
thingswithwings: like, it seems like it's just as well they're not calling themselves scifi anymore
thingswithwings: because they have a very different idea of what that means than I do
eruthros: I can't believe that the scifi channel got TWO original films out of the invasive snakehead fish incident in ... whenever, 2003 or so.
thingswithwings: also, are all SG-franchise actors contractually obligated to do a bad scifi original monster flick?
eruthros: they must be!
eruthros: It's like "if we renew your show..."
thingswithwings: "you have to sacrifice one of your actors on the altar of bad scifi movies. WHO WILL IT BE!"
thingswithwings: Richard Dean Anderson pushes Corin Nemec forward
eruthros: by the seventh season renewal, however, that is not a big enough sacrifice
eruthros: and Michael Shanks must go!
thingswithwings: right
thingswithwings: everyone hugs him and tells him it'll be alright
thingswithwings: they'll get through this together
thingswithwings: but when he comes back, he's different
thingswithwings: more subdued, somehow
eruthros: the scifi channel paid for a recent B5 movie, which is probably how they got their hooks into Bruce Boxleitner.
eruthros: and they try to get him to talk about it
thingswithwings: aha!
thingswithwings: they're so crafty
eruthros: or to not talk about it, just have an ice cream or something
eruthros: but nothing seems to work!
thingswithwings: maybe they've formed a support group
eruthros: David Hewlett, otoh, is so GGG that he volunteers even before the first episode of SGA
thingswithwings: hahahahahaha
thingswithwings: OH GOD
thingswithwings: it's so horrifyingly true
eruthros: ISN'T IT? ISN'T IT?
thingswithwings: I can't even deal!
eruthros: And everyone on the Atlantis set is all "what's up with that Hewlett guy? doesn't he seem kinda weird to you?"
eruthros: but they didn't know him BEFORE
eruthros: so they don't know how he's been CHANGED by it
thingswithwings: right!
thingswithwings: later, Joe and Rachel and Jason and Torri all learn the truth
thingswithwings: when the SG1 people do episodes on their show
thingswithwings: Christopher Judge is like, "You have to know something"
eruthros: of course it's Chris Judge
thingswithwings: "I have to tell you this so that you can avoid the same awful fate"
eruthros: and he draws JFlan aside
thingswithwings: it is! He saw what happened to Michael Shanks
thingswithwings: and Corin Nemec
eruthros: they used to be BEST FRIENDS, Chris and Michael
thingswithwings: Corin Nemec became a SCIENTOLOGIST!
eruthros: It's a sad story.
thingswithwings: really it is.
eruthros: sometimes, the SCIFI ptb come in looking for someone
eruthros: anyone
eruthros: and they grab that guy and ship him off to Bulgaria
thingswithwings: in the middle of the night
eruthros: and the writers just carefully write around it
thingswithwings: big burly guys with tasers come to their trailer
eruthros: they don't want to anger the powers that be, lest they be required to write a giant snakehead fish film
thingswithwings: ha, indeed
thingswithwings: that is the fate that awaits all failed SG-franchise writers
eruthros: and, yeah, big burly guys with tasers
eruthros: and there's screaming off in the distance, and everyone pretends not to hear, because they know: there's nothing you can do
eruthros: Michael Shanks tried to get out any way he could!
eruthros: He even QUIT THE SHOW!
thingswithwings: he tried to quit the show!
thingswithwings: yes!
thingswithwings: that's why Corin Nemec had to take his place initially
thingswithwings: in the Great Snake Movie Sacrifice
eruthros: but then he was somehow brought back -- he doesn't know how, but one day, he suddenly becomes aware of the fact that he is sitting in his trailer, just like he'd never left
eruthros: and a DeLuise is knocking on the door
eruthros: "Michael? There's someone here from the network to see you."
thingswithwings: "He says you owe them something."
thingswithwings: man, this whole theory is just so plausible
thingswithwings: I almost want to write it up as an action-paranoia-thriller
thingswithwings: and sell it to scifi
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no subject
Date: 2009-03-17 08:03 pm (UTC)Oh man, now I'm actually reieved that SGA was cancelled. Maybe Rachel Luttrell and Jason Momoa will make it out unscathed. For the CHILDREN.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-17 08:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-17 11:37 pm (UTC)Of course, I'm probably forgetting people, and there would go my whole theory.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-18 03:10 am (UTC)But I imagine you're right, based on what I've seen of the network overall.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-17 08:21 pm (UTC)and sell it to scifi
This needs to be done, you know that, right?
no subject
Date: 2009-03-17 08:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-17 11:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-17 08:21 pm (UTC)It would star Bill Mumy.
Poor bastard never had a chance.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-17 11:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-17 11:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-18 03:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-17 11:38 pm (UTC)I saw part of that! It was actually funny, for a few minutes.
Then it just wasn't anymore.
I felt so bad for Corin Nemec!
no subject
Date: 2009-03-18 03:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-17 11:39 pm (UTC)[info]thingswithwings: but when he comes back, he's different
[info]thingswithwings: more subdued, somehow
OH GOD.
(This thriller should absolutely exist!)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-18 03:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-18 12:25 am (UTC)I am now thinking that the real reason SGA was cancelled was because the entire cast banded together and refused to sacrifice one of their number to the horrors of Mansquito 3: Revenge of the Larvoids.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-18 03:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-25 05:03 am (UTC)Probably not. Hewlett is in Bulgaria right now doing something for SyFy, and with a little IMDb detective work,
no subject
Date: 2009-03-18 02:49 am (UTC)Also, um, I had SS Doomstrooper on my DVR for an embarrassingly long time. I LOVE THESE MOVIES, OKAY? Oh my god, that one was hilarious. I also love the one that Nykl was in with the Pterodactyl. I think that one was my favorite before I even started watching SGA.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-18 03:14 am (UTC)Also, I do not judge you! I love badfic and bad movies and bad tv too! I mostly don't care for the monster movies, but I have to say, Boa vs Python is AMAZING and really the culmination of the entire giant snake genre.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-18 07:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-25 05:05 am (UTC)and sell it to scifi
LOLLL. Use the character names/basic personalities, and this would make an amazing crossover AU.