Fandomishness

... I just realized that I've been in fandom for at least ten years. See, I have this perpetual Not A Real Fan complex (lala Impostor Syndrome in another context la) -- I say things like "okay, I watched the X-Files, but I didn't see every episode or anything. Not a Real Fan." Only then I realize that when people quiz me, they can't come up with an XF moment I didn't see up until, like, season seven or something. (Which is Creepy and Scary.)

So: My first fandom was BSG 1978 (obviously in reruns), and I had no 'net-fannish context for it. Though I wrote incredibly bad angst-ridden drawer-fic. But! It was immediately followed by Star Wars (for which I did have an awareness of fandom and fanfiction on the net, although I dismissed most of it as incredibly, incredibly bad and full of OCness and Leia and Han having sex on pillows in the back of the Falcon). And I watched the first season of XF, and I read some fanfiction, and posted politely-worded corrections about Mulder's history on forums, and just couldn't stop talking about the show. And then... due South. My first mailing-list fandom. And I joined DIEF (but not DSX, as I was a polite ickle wee fan and unwilling to lie about my age). And I remember hearing about Seah and Hexwood back in '95. And I remember the Ray Wars. (I'm kinda sad that I unsubbed from DIEF and The Closet, really, since they were my Formative Fandom Experience, but otoh ... god, in '98 or so no-one was posting anything to DIEF and DSX except 48-part Fraser/Thatcher Epics. With much demand for feedback. And people getting shot, and then being hospitalized again with AMNESIA, and then getting TATTOOED against their WILLS. And just when you'd think "oh, thank heavens, it's finally over," the author would "bow to popular demand" and write a SEQUEL. Say this for ff.n -- at least you don't have to see any of it.)

This is on my mind because my birthday's coming up. I'll be 24. And I'll have participated in net fandom for the last twelve years, starting with SW and XF forums. Half. My. Life.

For half my life, I'll have analyzed the motivations of fictional characters, gossiped about goofs, and attempted to explain away plot holes. I remember going with a friend to see ALW's Phantom at my sixteenth birthday -- and spending the whole time at the restaurant trying to work out the most recent episodes of B5 and Ivanova's behavior.

It's a bit of a weird realization.

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Also? The only reason I'm sad I don't have cable? Is Stargate: Atlantis. Because it looks like Stargate, but funnier! And all these authors that I find really interesting and fun to read are playing in it at once! On sga_flashfic! And I know only what I have absorbed through fannish osmosis! (Rodney McKay: researches stuff. Zelenka: in Rodney's lab. Major something-or-other Shepppard: Ancients gene, makes machines go. Elizabeth Weir: In Charge. Teyla: superpowers. Like that.) It makes me Sad.

I would never, ever try to find it in downloadable form, because that would be Wrong, and even if I did, it wouldn't do any good because my laptop? Still broken.

Wah. I could care less about Lost (not my type of show), but I wish I could see SGA.

Author's Notes I never, ever wanted to see...

... especially on NC-17 slash stories.

Dedication: I want to thank my mother for her invaluable help with this story. She helps me even though she doesn't like slash stories.

I. There are no words.