Shudder

So I was talking to lysimache last night about typos and bad fiction.

We were making fun of sentences like "that was his queue, Harry thought, and dove down to suck Snape's cock." I now want to write the story where there is, for some reason, a queue for Snape's cock. Harry's waiting impatiently behind Fred Weasley and reading the paper and chatting with McGonagall who's standing behind him and occasionally folding up his paper to say things like "hello? is this the slowest line in the universe?"

And then I mentioned this story where for unknown, unexplained, and probably ridiculous reasons, the Ministry requires Harry to have children by four big-time wizards. The Most Powerful Wizards in the land. Oddly, the first is Lucius Malfoy, so that he can have a Bad and Unpleasant first time. And I pointed out that this made no sense; the first should be Dumbledore. Not that I'm all "ooooh, Dumbledore/Harry" -- ewwww, no. But if you want that plot (such as it is) to make sense, it should be Dumbledore. "Could be equally traumatizing," I pointed out, "although, I suppose, without the whips. Hey, maybe Dumbledore's a secret Dom. Could happen."

Sudden Dom!Dumbledore conversation ensued. This should never have happened, so I'm sharing it with all of you. Lysimache even justified it:

i think after OotP, we've all seen that maybe dumbledore wasn't as cuddly and fuzzy and grandfatherly as he'd seemed before. a little bit less of the old twinkle in the eye in this book, perhaps. after all, he's all, "yeah, i knew you were miserable, harry, but meh. your happiness would've interfered with my Master Plan." so sure, Secret Dom!Dumbledore... :P

And then I thought:

"It seems you've been getting happy again. We can't have you happy, Harry."

"We really must deal with this right away. Why don't you come by my office tonight? The password is 'pop rocks.'"

"Now, now, Harry, no complaints. You know what happened the last time we didn't take action quickly enough." With a twinkle in his eye. And a paddle in his hand. "Just close your eyes and think of Mr. Black. Think of the Order, Harry. You don't want to fail them, do you?"

"Now count for me."

The Cauldron and the Snake

I have a sudden desire to investigate the cauldron and the snake as symbols for Slytherin house. Because, well, come on. It's probably not intentional, but the cauldron is such a symbol of the feminine.

So you have the wand and the cauldron (like the spear and the cauldron). And it's more of a Christianized version of the cauldron story, because those who have skill with brewing and using the cauldron aren't steady, like the wand-wavers; they're mean, capricious, devious, hysterical, powerful but evil -- they've got all the bad qualities the Christian story gave witches to make powerful women seem creepy. Other houses are good at charms or transfiguration, but only Slytherins like potions.

Snape, in particular, loves potions and hates "foolish wand-waving" -- the macho, the phallic. And he's the most hysterical of the characters, really. Not that I don't like him. But he is.

One could even argue that there's this desire to see the cauldron penetrated -- the cauldron calls out for a spear or, in this case, a wand. Hmmmm. Snape and bottoming.

Pushing it further (really, too far, but it's fun), you've got Slytherin, represented by both the snake AND the cauldron, by the demon and the feminine. Slytherin is the demon-snake (Voldemort) AND Witch-Eve (the children); they're the fallen wizards and those who are tempted by the fallen wizards, and fall themselves. They're Eve-il. Demonic. Voldemort's even got the glowing eyes and the snake. I mean.

You could even lead from here to Snape's (sorta) redemption (he fell, but now he works for the side of light) -- but his redemption necessarily involves suppression; he's constrained to the feminine work, to the dungeons. He can't teach DADA. He's not allowed; he's controlled by a twinkly-eyed wand-waver. An implicit assumption of the narrative is that he must be controlled, or his capriciousness will hurt the students.

And, okay, I'm pushing things way too far. And it doesn't parse well with the whole Slytherin-as-a-male-dominated society thing, although the men are total hysterical drama queens. But it's so much fun!

Merlin, spear, and cauldron

Dude. Now I have a sudden desire to write a Potterverse story based around the quest for wand and cauldron -- we've got Merlin already, yah? And we have the grail/cauldron/chalice, symbol of the womb. The cauldron heals the wounded, brings back the dead, and satisfies every need. And we have the wand/spear. We can do the Arthurian quest for the grail as quest for cauldron/chalice/grail, quest for the other half of the masculine magic -- without the cauldron, the wand is weak.

Later, the wand and the cauldron together make Hogwarts... I'm so rambling.

Or... good heavens. I actually, suddenly, and without intending to actually came up with a good reason to do a "Harry and Snape must get married to destroy Voldemort." The Great Marriage of Wand and Cauldron. The balance of masculine and feminine that could take down the Dark Lord. And the wand that will not turn on its owner is born of the cauldron. Even MPREG, because of the association of the spear thrust into the cauldron and fertility. Dear god.