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So the BEA autographing schedule has been posted, and all I have to say is that this is the best fifteen-words-or-less blurb ever: "Gay themed coming-of-age murder mystery based on Pinocchio."
No, really.
Anyway, as you all know by now: this is a three-ish day conference for people in or associated with the book business. This year it's in New York, May 31 - June 3. If you go, you end up coming home with hundreds and hundreds of free books from autographing and from the show floor (after the cost of admission, which is around $75-$100 depending on the kind of person you can register as; if you teach, you can register as an education professional). I'm almost certainly not going this year, because I don't know anyone in NYC and am too cheap to pay even hostel prices for NYC. But! Some of y'all should definitely go.
Even if I'm not going, though, this is always the point in the year at which I go "Alan Alda's written a book about 'living a life of meaning'? Julianne Moore's written a YA book about having freckles?" (Both true, both being signed.) So on that note:
Alison Bechdel signing the pb version of Fun Home!
S.E. Hinton is signing the 40th anniversary edition of the Outsiders!
Judy Blume! New chapter book! Really!
Ann Martin -- of "The Baby-sitters Club" series -- is starting a new series: "Main Street."
Sandra Boynton, with a new book about penguins.
Joyce Carol Oates signing The Gravedigger's Daugher.
Ann Patchett (of Bel Canto) with a new book.
A book called Typo: The Last American Typesetter.
Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, who writes a new knititng book every year. This one is called Stephanie Pearl-McPhee Casts Off
An awesomely hilarious book titled The Camera Phone Book: How to Shoot Like a Pro. No, seriously. By National Geographic. Isn't that the most hilarious thing ever?
The best post-Lemony Snickett pseudonym ever for a chapter book author: Pseudonymous Bosch. I don't expect fifth-graders to get that, but I'm snickering.
Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity: the end? we're over it?
FLOW: The Life and Times of Philadelphia’s Schuylkill River Um. Are we seeing this as a national bestseller?
Hugging Life : A Practical Guide to Artful Hugging Well, mostly I just ... you know, wait until I think other people are okay with me in their personal space, and then I hug them.
Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson's third Peter Pan book.
Artemis Fowl graphic novel.
Beowulf graphic novel.
Holly. Black. Two books. No kidding.
OMG The Secret book. By Atria Books. Eewwww.
"Scientific proof of gene regulation by belief, nurturing, and intention!" Riiiiight. *backs away slowly*
Da Vinci Code ripoff count: "A rare-books dealer must unravel a secret that has been hidden in the illuminations of the Gutenberg Bible." And maybe: "A thrilling race to find a lost draft of the Constitution!" and "Who has Pancho Villa's skull? Who will kill for it?" and "Race to uncover the secret of the murder of Hitler's mistress!"
Badly worded blurb count: "Teen author eliminates apprehensions over first-time experiences with Winston, the Squirrel." (Me: Wait, WHAT? First time experiences with... oh, right, by means of a story about. Check.) "Historical story that became most American's first exposure to pedophilia" (Huh? Oh, it's non-fiction. Oh, actually the author is a detective who worked on this case in the 1950s.) "A fantasy adventure that combines actual history, folklore, mythology, and legend." (As opposed to all that fake history.) "Re-telling of Jamestown story in post-apocalyptic future." (Um. What?)
Most hilarious blurbs: " A major hurricane hits NYC in this thriller by the Emmy Award-winning meteorologist!" "An infectiously enthusiastic guide to aprons that are suddenly everywhere." "Suspense novel about a serial killer and the homicide detective determined to catch him." (This is the blurb that describes all thrillers. ALL.) "This book will transform the life of everyone who reads it." (Thanks! What's it about?)
Celebrity signings: Tiki Barber (former Giants running back) with a chapter book and an autobiography; Rupert Boneham (of Survivor) with the Story Of His Fame Etc; the aforementioned Alan Alda and Julianne Moore; John Carter Cash with a book about June Carter Cash; Bruce Dern with a Story of His Fame Etc; Chris Elliott signing what is probably yet another crappy novel masquerading as humor; Charles Grodin signing a self-help book about mistakes; Tim Gunn (of Project Runway) with a book on fashion; Steve Harvey with some sort of superhero novel featuring himself; John Lithgow with a compiled "poetry book for the whole family;" Mandisa of American Idol with a sorta self-help autobiography; Roscoe Orman of Sesame Street (Gordon) again; Karna Small Bodman (apparently a director of the national security council under Reagan) signing a thriller; Anita Thompson (Hunter S.'s wife) with a book on Hunter S.
No, really.
Anyway, as you all know by now: this is a three-ish day conference for people in or associated with the book business. This year it's in New York, May 31 - June 3. If you go, you end up coming home with hundreds and hundreds of free books from autographing and from the show floor (after the cost of admission, which is around $75-$100 depending on the kind of person you can register as; if you teach, you can register as an education professional). I'm almost certainly not going this year, because I don't know anyone in NYC and am too cheap to pay even hostel prices for NYC. But! Some of y'all should definitely go.
Even if I'm not going, though, this is always the point in the year at which I go "Alan Alda's written a book about 'living a life of meaning'? Julianne Moore's written a YA book about having freckles?" (Both true, both being signed.) So on that note:
Alison Bechdel signing the pb version of Fun Home!
S.E. Hinton is signing the 40th anniversary edition of the Outsiders!
Judy Blume! New chapter book! Really!
Ann Martin -- of "The Baby-sitters Club" series -- is starting a new series: "Main Street."
Sandra Boynton, with a new book about penguins.
Joyce Carol Oates signing The Gravedigger's Daugher.
Ann Patchett (of Bel Canto) with a new book.
A book called Typo: The Last American Typesetter.
Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, who writes a new knititng book every year. This one is called Stephanie Pearl-McPhee Casts Off
An awesomely hilarious book titled The Camera Phone Book: How to Shoot Like a Pro. No, seriously. By National Geographic. Isn't that the most hilarious thing ever?
The best post-Lemony Snickett pseudonym ever for a chapter book author: Pseudonymous Bosch. I don't expect fifth-graders to get that, but I'm snickering.
Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity: the end? we're over it?
FLOW: The Life and Times of Philadelphia’s Schuylkill River Um. Are we seeing this as a national bestseller?
Hugging Life : A Practical Guide to Artful Hugging Well, mostly I just ... you know, wait until I think other people are okay with me in their personal space, and then I hug them.
Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson's third Peter Pan book.
Artemis Fowl graphic novel.
Beowulf graphic novel.
Holly. Black. Two books. No kidding.
OMG The Secret book. By Atria Books. Eewwww.
"Scientific proof of gene regulation by belief, nurturing, and intention!" Riiiiight. *backs away slowly*
Da Vinci Code ripoff count: "A rare-books dealer must unravel a secret that has been hidden in the illuminations of the Gutenberg Bible." And maybe: "A thrilling race to find a lost draft of the Constitution!" and "Who has Pancho Villa's skull? Who will kill for it?" and "Race to uncover the secret of the murder of Hitler's mistress!"
Badly worded blurb count: "Teen author eliminates apprehensions over first-time experiences with Winston, the Squirrel." (Me: Wait, WHAT? First time experiences with... oh, right, by means of a story about. Check.) "Historical story that became most American's first exposure to pedophilia" (Huh? Oh, it's non-fiction. Oh, actually the author is a detective who worked on this case in the 1950s.) "A fantasy adventure that combines actual history, folklore, mythology, and legend." (As opposed to all that fake history.) "Re-telling of Jamestown story in post-apocalyptic future." (Um. What?)
Most hilarious blurbs: " A major hurricane hits NYC in this thriller by the Emmy Award-winning meteorologist!" "An infectiously enthusiastic guide to aprons that are suddenly everywhere." "Suspense novel about a serial killer and the homicide detective determined to catch him." (This is the blurb that describes all thrillers. ALL.) "This book will transform the life of everyone who reads it." (Thanks! What's it about?)
Celebrity signings: Tiki Barber (former Giants running back) with a chapter book and an autobiography; Rupert Boneham (of Survivor) with the Story Of His Fame Etc; the aforementioned Alan Alda and Julianne Moore; John Carter Cash with a book about June Carter Cash; Bruce Dern with a Story of His Fame Etc; Chris Elliott signing what is probably yet another crappy novel masquerading as humor; Charles Grodin signing a self-help book about mistakes; Tim Gunn (of Project Runway) with a book on fashion; Steve Harvey with some sort of superhero novel featuring himself; John Lithgow with a compiled "poetry book for the whole family;" Mandisa of American Idol with a sorta self-help autobiography; Roscoe Orman of Sesame Street (Gordon) again; Karna Small Bodman (apparently a director of the national security council under Reagan) signing a thriller; Anita Thompson (Hunter S.'s wife) with a book on Hunter S.
