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eruthrosThis is a brilliant story of Major Evan Lorne's tragic painterly life! Because he grew up painting only male nudes in his mom's studio, and now he is in the military! Woe.
eruthros: But now it's really tragic... painting.
thingswithwings: exactly. well, Lorne's new to landscapes!
thingswithwings: all he ever painted before was naked men!
eruthros: But he doesn't think that's a good idea in Atlantis?
eruthros: Plus, who would he ask?
eruthros: "I beg your pardon, Lieutenant, but could I trouble you for a favor?"
thingswithwings: "Uh, Colonel Sheppard, I have a somewhat odd request..."
eruthros: Indeed.
thingswithwings: Man. I would write that fic, but I would start it with Sheppard going to see Lorne about the complaints he's been getting. "Major, I'm really glad that you have a hobby, but when you keep asking members of the armed forces to take their clothes off, they tend to get the wrong impression."
eruthros: But I bet he totally had an arrangement with Teal'c back in the SGC
eruthros: HEH. Yeah. I bet Sheppard kept getting half-complaints.
thingswithwings: Hee! yes, Teal'c lounging naked on a crumpled red sheet, holding a white rose in his hand..."Is this how you would like me to sit, Major Lorne?"
eruthros: EXACTLY.
eruthros: And Teal'c is totally deadpan about it.
thingswithwings: of course he is!
eruthros: And Lorne LOVES painting Teal'c, because he's so ... defined! So interesting!
thingswithwings: he has great angles!
eruthros: Also, it's hard to get the shine on the tattoo right, so it's a challenge.
thingswithwings: right, right.
thingswithwings: I'm telling you, this whole Lorne-as-a-painter thing is an untapped goldmine of fic potential.
eruthros: And Teal'c was the only person who Lorne's ever asked who said "ah, yes, your painting hobby?" instead of "um, I'm really flattered, but..."
eruthros: Lorne thinks Daniel Jackson might've been equally blase, but he never got up the guts to ask.
thingswithwings: aw! so he was so excited to finally have a cooperative model.
thingswithwings: man, so does this mean that Lorne's apartment on Earth was filled with dozen of nude paintings of Teal'c?
eruthros: YES.
eruthros: YES IT DOES.
eruthros: Except he asked Teal'c if he could maybe sell some, or if Teal'c would want some, and Teal'c took a couple and Lorne doesn't want to ask what became of them.
eruthros: But he's kinda afraid Teal'c gave one to Bra'tac.
thingswithwings: HAHAHA EW.
thingswithwings: and Bra'tac hung it in the halls of Jaffa Whatever, with a plaque that says, "Model of a Warrior."
thingswithwings: maybe Lorne could ask Teal'c to ask Daniel to be a nude model.
eruthros: EXACTLY. Because the Jaffa don't have nudity taboos in the same way that makes them think nudity = sex.
eruthros: So Bra'tac is all "great! look, it shows what awesome shape my protege is in! I shall show it to my students."
thingswithwings: and everyone on Chulak is like, "Man, look at the definition on his quads!"
eruthros: HA. GOD. YES.
eruthros: YES. Lorne keeps dropping hints about maybe having ... two models. At once! Or something!
eruthros: And he thinks Teal'c isn't paying attention, and he's too nervous about getting kicked out of the program to ask himself.
eruthros: Until... one day Teal'c shows up with GENERAL JACK O'NEILL.
thingswithwings: OF COURSE, OMG.
eruthros: Who walks in, similarly completely deadpan, and says "should be an interesting study in contrasts."
eruthros: And Lorne nearly faints.
thingswithwings: hahaha
thingswithwings: poor Lorne!
thingswithwings: blushing up to his hair and forced to paint a picture of his commanding officer in the nude!
eruthros: YES.
thingswithwings: who gets that picture, do you think?
eruthros: And Jack's cracking jokes constantly
eruthros: And asking in a really solicitous voice if he's holding the rose in the proper way.
thingswithwings: "A rose, Major? Really?"
eruthros: And so Lorne has to answer him in that choked voice of "um, no, you're... holding the rose just fine, sir."
eruthros: I DON'T KNOW.
eruthros: Maybe Jack hangs it in his office to shock people? Maybe he gives it to Daniel and tells him to do something with it because he wants to see his face? Maybe it's a gift for some offworld trading group that thinks its necessary to see their trading partners in the nude?
thingswithwings: it's the Most Confusing Birthday Gift Ever to anyone you want to surprise!
thingswithwings: it should totally hang in Jack's office. In the PENTAGON.
eruthros: YES.
eruthros: And Jack makes shit up about it EVERY TIME.
eruthros: Like, people give the painting -- which is HUGE, it's like four feet across and hangs behind his desk -- these tremendous double-takes.
eruthros: And Jack says "oh, it was a gift from ..." or "oddly, that was a necessary part of ..." or "I bet you didn't know the Jaffa..."
eruthros: And he uses it to distract people and discombobulate them.
thingswithwings: yes, absolutely!
eruthros: Because they're staring at his penis ... his face! Really they're looking at him! ... but his penis is RIGHT THERE.
thingswithwings: everyone just agrees to do whatever he says so that they can get the hell out of there. because the eyes follow you wherever you go!
thingswithwings: ...also, the penis.
eruthros: YES! And so he sends Lorne a thank-you note after some particularly successful negotiations.
eruthros: Yes, the penis follows them wherever they go.
eruthros: And his assisstants tell stories about it in hushed whispers.
eruthros: And, as far as Jack is concerned, it means a) that he gets what he wants from people in meetings and b) that people otherwise leave him alone.
thingswithwings: I have this pose in my head of the two of them sort of draped over each other in an X
thingswithwings: with, of course, the black velvet backdrop and crumpled red silk and white roses. that Lorne keeps in the back of his truck, just in case.
eruthros: He totally sends Lorne a fruit basket.)
eruthros: Yes! Because Lorne is EVER-HOPEFUL.
thingswithwings: it must've been so hard to give up the hobby while in basic training, what with all those naked men around ALL THE TIMe.
eruthros: Lorne is, by that time, in Pegasus, so he has to recruit to Asgard to do it, and suddenly Lorne's desk is full of one of those hotel-type fruit baskets that's been beamed down.)
eruthros: HA.
eruthros: God.
eruthros: This is a brilliant story of Lorne's tragic painterly life!
thingswithwings: I agree!
thingswithwings: poor guy. he's not breaking any regs! he's not gay! he just paints nude men a lot.
thingswithwings: ...and dude, the asgard would totally deliver a fruit basket to pegasus for O'Neill. "We need you to save Atlantis, it is in trouble," the Asgard say no, but "O'Neill personally requests this fruit basket delivery"?
eruthros: Sheppard: There's a pineapple. Major, why did General O'Neill send you a pineapple?)
eruthros: YES. Because Thor loves Jack.
eruthros: Also, Thor beamed down into his office to pick up the fruit basket, so he totally gets why thanks are necessary. It is, he agrees, a well-done composition.
thingswithwings: ha! omg, Thor would definitely ask Lorne to do a nude painting of O'Neill for him, too, once he saw it!
thingswithwings: Jack is much more fetching without those odd human garments on.
eruthros: YES.
eruthros: Smoother, for one.
eruthros: Also: OMG. http://www.ediblearrangements.com/Arrangements/Arrangement_Detail.aspx?ID=245&OrderType=1&CountryID=1&StateID=&City=&Date=&Category=5&Occasion=
thingswithwings: WHAT
eruthros: It is called a HAIL BERRY.
thingswithwings: I SAW THAT
eruthros: SOMEONE MUST SEND IT TO JOHN.
thingswithwings: I vote for Ronon.
eruthros: But not for painting a nude picture of Jack O'Neill.
eruthros: No, Lorne gets all the fruitbasket thanks for that.
thingswithwings: let's hope not! Jack can't spend his whole time posing nude for the air force!
eruthros: Dude, yes, I think Thor should totally commission a picture of Jack. And bribe Lorne with ... ?
thingswithwings: uh...the promise of a favour? to deliver some texas beef after they're done mutilating the latest cattle?
thingswithwings: the best part is, Lorne's in atlantis, so he tells Thor, "I can't paint without a reference," and Thor immediately produces a dozen photographs of Jack in the nude.
eruthros: Maybe he gives Lorne some cool Asgard technology that Rodney's been after for YEARS.
eruthros: That is AWESOME.
eruthros: Of course he does.
thingswithwings: hee! and Rodney gets all jealous, and asks what he did for the Asgard to get the Q-35 Explosive Space Modulator, but Lorne won't tell.
eruthros: Nope.
eruthros: But John has his suspicions, because Lorne hasn't asked any of the Lieutenants to pose nude for several weeks.
thingswithwings: haha
thingswithwings: John has a file.
eruthros: But John, of course, thinks Lorne is painting THOR in the nude, and he's really creeped out by this, because Asgard are WEIRD.
eruthros: John TOTALLY has a file.
thingswithwings: and John sort of wonders if he's painting the Asgard wearing clothes, since they're already nude all the time. And then he thinks about Thor in a hat, and is creeped out all day.
eruthros: Yeah.
eruthros: And John remains disquieted.
eruthros: But he also ponders whether he can ask Lorne to do OTHER nude painting for high-tech stuff.
thingswithwings: oh john, caught between two powerful and conflicting impulses! cool space guns / disturbing Asgard/Lorne sex portraiture!
eruthros: It would be full of ANGST.
thingswithwings: as John tends to be.
eruthros: Exactly.
eruthros: But now it's really tragic... painting.thingswithwings: exactly. well, Lorne's new to landscapes!thingswithwings: all he ever painted before was naked men!eruthros: But he doesn't think that's a good idea in Atlantis?eruthros: Plus, who would he ask?eruthros: "I beg your pardon, Lieutenant, but could I trouble you for a favor?"thingswithwings: "Uh, Colonel Sheppard, I have a somewhat odd request..."eruthros: Indeed.thingswithwings: Man. I would write that fic, but I would start it with Sheppard going to see Lorne about the complaints he's been getting. "Major, I'm really glad that you have a hobby, but when you keep asking members of the armed forces to take their clothes off, they tend to get the wrong impression."eruthros: But I bet he totally had an arrangement with Teal'c back in the SGCeruthros: HEH. Yeah. I bet Sheppard kept getting half-complaints.thingswithwings: Hee! yes, Teal'c lounging naked on a crumpled red sheet, holding a white rose in his hand..."Is this how you would like me to sit, Major Lorne?"eruthros: EXACTLY.eruthros: And Teal'c is totally deadpan about it.thingswithwings: of course he is!eruthros: And Lorne LOVES painting Teal'c, because he's so ... defined! So interesting!thingswithwings: he has great angles!eruthros: Also, it's hard to get the shine on the tattoo right, so it's a challenge.thingswithwings: right, right.thingswithwings: I'm telling you, this whole Lorne-as-a-painter thing is an untapped goldmine of fic potential.eruthros: And Teal'c was the only person who Lorne's ever asked who said "ah, yes, your painting hobby?" instead of "um, I'm really flattered, but..."eruthros: Lorne thinks Daniel Jackson might've been equally blase, but he never got up the guts to ask.thingswithwings: aw! so he was so excited to finally have a cooperative model.thingswithwings: man, so does this mean that Lorne's apartment on Earth was filled with dozen of nude paintings of Teal'c?eruthros: YES.eruthros: YES IT DOES.eruthros: Except he asked Teal'c if he could maybe sell some, or if Teal'c would want some, and Teal'c took a couple and Lorne doesn't want to ask what became of them.eruthros: But he's kinda afraid Teal'c gave one to Bra'tac. thingswithwings: HAHAHA EW.thingswithwings: and Bra'tac hung it in the halls of Jaffa Whatever, with a plaque that says, "Model of a Warrior."thingswithwings: maybe Lorne could ask Teal'c to ask Daniel to be a nude model.eruthros: EXACTLY. Because the Jaffa don't have nudity taboos in the same way that makes them think nudity = sex.eruthros: So Bra'tac is all "great! look, it shows what awesome shape my protege is in! I shall show it to my students."thingswithwings: and everyone on Chulak is like, "Man, look at the definition on his quads!"eruthros: HA. GOD. YES.eruthros: YES. Lorne keeps dropping hints about maybe having ... two models. At once! Or something!eruthros: And he thinks Teal'c isn't paying attention, and he's too nervous about getting kicked out of the program to ask himself.eruthros: Until... one day Teal'c shows up with GENERAL JACK O'NEILL.thingswithwings: OF COURSE, OMG.eruthros: Who walks in, similarly completely deadpan, and says "should be an interesting study in contrasts."eruthros: And Lorne nearly faints.thingswithwings: hahahathingswithwings: poor Lorne!thingswithwings: blushing up to his hair and forced to paint a picture of his commanding officer in the nude!eruthros: YES.thingswithwings: who gets that picture, do you think? eruthros: And Jack's cracking jokes constantlyeruthros: And asking in a really solicitous voice if he's holding the rose in the proper way.thingswithwings: "A rose, Major? Really?"eruthros: And so Lorne has to answer him in that choked voice of "um, no, you're... holding the rose just fine, sir."eruthros: I DON'T KNOW.eruthros: Maybe Jack hangs it in his office to shock people? Maybe he gives it to Daniel and tells him to do something with it because he wants to see his face? Maybe it's a gift for some offworld trading group that thinks its necessary to see their trading partners in the nude?thingswithwings: it's the Most Confusing Birthday Gift Ever to anyone you want to surprise! thingswithwings: it should totally hang in Jack's office. In the PENTAGON.eruthros: YES.eruthros: And Jack makes shit up about it EVERY TIME.eruthros: Like, people give the painting -- which is HUGE, it's like four feet across and hangs behind his desk -- these tremendous double-takes.eruthros: And Jack says "oh, it was a gift from ..." or "oddly, that was a necessary part of ..." or "I bet you didn't know the Jaffa..."eruthros: And he uses it to distract people and discombobulate them.thingswithwings: yes, absolutely!eruthros: Because they're staring at his penis ... his face! Really they're looking at him! ... but his penis is RIGHT THERE.thingswithwings: everyone just agrees to do whatever he says so that they can get the hell out of there. because the eyes follow you wherever you go!thingswithwings: ...also, the penis.eruthros: YES! And so he sends Lorne a thank-you note after some particularly successful negotiations.eruthros: Yes, the penis follows them wherever they go.eruthros: And his assisstants tell stories about it in hushed whispers.eruthros: And, as far as Jack is concerned, it means a) that he gets what he wants from people in meetings and b) that people otherwise leave him alone.thingswithwings: I have this pose in my head of the two of them sort of draped over each other in an Xthingswithwings: with, of course, the black velvet backdrop and crumpled red silk and white roses. that Lorne keeps in the back of his truck, just in case.eruthros: He totally sends Lorne a fruit basket.)eruthros: Yes! Because Lorne is EVER-HOPEFUL.thingswithwings: it must've been so hard to give up the hobby while in basic training, what with all those naked men around ALL THE TIMe.eruthros: Lorne is, by that time, in Pegasus, so he has to recruit to Asgard to do it, and suddenly Lorne's desk is full of one of those hotel-type fruit baskets that's been beamed down.)eruthros: HA.eruthros: God.eruthros: This is a brilliant story of Lorne's tragic painterly life!thingswithwings: I agree!thingswithwings: poor guy. he's not breaking any regs! he's not gay! he just paints nude men a lot.thingswithwings: ...and dude, the asgard would totally deliver a fruit basket to pegasus for O'Neill. "We need you to save Atlantis, it is in trouble," the Asgard say no, but "O'Neill personally requests this fruit basket delivery"? eruthros: Sheppard: There's a pineapple. Major, why did General O'Neill send you a pineapple?)eruthros: YES. Because Thor loves Jack. eruthros: Also, Thor beamed down into his office to pick up the fruit basket, so he totally gets why thanks are necessary. It is, he agrees, a well-done composition.thingswithwings: ha! omg, Thor would definitely ask Lorne to do a nude painting of O'Neill for him, too, once he saw it!thingswithwings: Jack is much more fetching without those odd human garments on.eruthros: YES.eruthros: Smoother, for one.eruthros: Also: OMG. http://www.ediblearrangements.com/Arrangements/Arrangement_Detail.aspx?ID=245&OrderType=1&CountryID=1&StateID=&City=&Date=&Category=5&Occasion=thingswithwings: WHATeruthros: It is called a HAIL BERRY.thingswithwings: I SAW THATeruthros: SOMEONE MUST SEND IT TO JOHN.thingswithwings: I vote for Ronon.eruthros: But not for painting a nude picture of Jack O'Neill.eruthros: No, Lorne gets all the fruitbasket thanks for that.thingswithwings: let's hope not! Jack can't spend his whole time posing nude for the air force!eruthros: Dude, yes, I think Thor should totally commission a picture of Jack. And bribe Lorne with ... ?thingswithwings: uh...the promise of a favour? to deliver some texas beef after they're done mutilating the latest cattle?thingswithwings: the best part is, Lorne's in atlantis, so he tells Thor, "I can't paint without a reference," and Thor immediately produces a dozen photographs of Jack in the nude.eruthros: Maybe he gives Lorne some cool Asgard technology that Rodney's been after for YEARS.eruthros: That is AWESOME.eruthros: Of course he does.thingswithwings: hee! and Rodney gets all jealous, and asks what he did for the Asgard to get the Q-35 Explosive Space Modulator, but Lorne won't tell.eruthros: Nope.eruthros: But John has his suspicions, because Lorne hasn't asked any of the Lieutenants to pose nude for several weeks.thingswithwings: hahathingswithwings: John has a file.eruthros: But John, of course, thinks Lorne is painting THOR in the nude, and he's really creeped out by this, because Asgard are WEIRD.eruthros: John TOTALLY has a file.thingswithwings: and John sort of wonders if he's painting the Asgard wearing clothes, since they're already nude all the time. And then he thinks about Thor in a hat, and is creeped out all day.eruthros: Yeah.eruthros: And John remains disquieted.eruthros: But he also ponders whether he can ask Lorne to do OTHER nude painting for high-tech stuff.thingswithwings: oh john, caught between two powerful and conflicting impulses! cool space guns / disturbing Asgard/Lorne sex portraiture!eruthros: It would be full of ANGST.thingswithwings: as John tends to be.eruthros: Exactly.
