We have cracktastic IM conversations so you don't have to!

[eruthros]

This is a brilliant story of Major Evan Lorne's tragic painterly life! Because he grew up painting only male nudes in his mom's studio, and now he is in the military! Woe.



eruthros: But now it's really tragic... painting.

thingswithwings: exactly. well, Lorne's new to landscapes!
thingswithwings: all he ever painted before was naked men!

eruthros: But he doesn't think that's a good idea in Atlantis?
eruthros: Plus, who would he ask?
eruthros: "I beg your pardon, Lieutenant, but could I trouble you for a favor?"

thingswithwings: "Uh, Colonel Sheppard, I have a somewhat odd request..."

eruthros: Indeed.

thingswithwings: Man. I would write that fic, but I would start it with Sheppard going to see Lorne about the complaints he's been getting. "Major, I'm really glad that you have a hobby, but when you keep asking members of the armed forces to take their clothes off, they tend to get the wrong impression."

eruthros: But I bet he totally had an arrangement with Teal'c back in the SGC
eruthros: HEH. Yeah. I bet Sheppard kept getting half-complaints.

thingswithwings: Hee! yes, Teal'c lounging naked on a crumpled red sheet, holding a white rose in his hand..."Is this how you would like me to sit, Major Lorne?"

eruthros: EXACTLY.

eruthros: And Teal'c is totally deadpan about it.

thingswithwings: of course he is!

eruthros: And Lorne LOVES painting Teal'c, because he's so ... defined! So interesting!

thingswithwings: he has great angles!

eruthros: Also, it's hard to get the shine on the tattoo right, so it's a challenge.

thingswithwings: right, right.
thingswithwings: I'm telling you, this whole Lorne-as-a-painter thing is an untapped goldmine of fic potential.

eruthros: And Teal'c was the only person who Lorne's ever asked who said "ah, yes, your painting hobby?" instead of "um, I'm really flattered, but..."
eruthros: Lorne thinks Daniel Jackson might've been equally blase, but he never got up the guts to ask.

thingswithwings: aw! so he was so excited to finally have a cooperative model.
thingswithwings: man, so does this mean that Lorne's apartment on Earth was filled with dozen of nude paintings of Teal'c?

eruthros: YES.
eruthros: YES IT DOES.
eruthros: Except he asked Teal'c if he could maybe sell some, or if Teal'c would want some, and Teal'c took a couple and Lorne doesn't want to ask what became of them.
eruthros: But he's kinda afraid Teal'c gave one to Bra'tac.

thingswithwings: HAHAHA EW.
thingswithwings: and Bra'tac hung it in the halls of Jaffa Whatever, with a plaque that says, "Model of a Warrior."
thingswithwings: maybe Lorne could ask Teal'c to ask Daniel to be a nude model.

eruthros: EXACTLY. Because the Jaffa don't have nudity taboos in the same way that makes them think nudity = sex.
eruthros: So Bra'tac is all "great! look, it shows what awesome shape my protege is in! I shall show it to my students."

thingswithwings: and everyone on Chulak is like, "Man, look at the definition on his quads!"

eruthros: HA. GOD. YES.
eruthros: YES. Lorne keeps dropping hints about maybe having ... two models. At once! Or something!
eruthros: And he thinks Teal'c isn't paying attention, and he's too nervous about getting kicked out of the program to ask himself.
eruthros: Until... one day Teal'c shows up with GENERAL JACK O'NEILL.

thingswithwings: OF COURSE, OMG.

eruthros: Who walks in, similarly completely deadpan, and says "should be an interesting study in contrasts."
eruthros: And Lorne nearly faints.

thingswithwings: hahaha
thingswithwings: poor Lorne!
thingswithwings: blushing up to his hair and forced to paint a picture of his commanding officer in the nude!

eruthros: YES.

thingswithwings: who gets that picture, do you think?

eruthros: And Jack's cracking jokes constantly
eruthros: And asking in a really solicitous voice if he's holding the rose in the proper way.

thingswithwings: "A rose, Major? Really?"

eruthros: And so Lorne has to answer him in that choked voice of "um, no, you're... holding the rose just fine, sir."
eruthros: I DON'T KNOW.
eruthros: Maybe Jack hangs it in his office to shock people? Maybe he gives it to Daniel and tells him to do something with it because he wants to see his face? Maybe it's a gift for some offworld trading group that thinks its necessary to see their trading partners in the nude?

thingswithwings: it's the Most Confusing Birthday Gift Ever to anyone you want to surprise!
thingswithwings: it should totally hang in Jack's office. In the PENTAGON.

eruthros: YES.
eruthros: And Jack makes shit up about it EVERY TIME.
eruthros: Like, people give the painting -- which is HUGE, it's like four feet across and hangs behind his desk -- these tremendous double-takes.
eruthros: And Jack says "oh, it was a gift from ..." or "oddly, that was a necessary part of ..." or "I bet you didn't know the Jaffa..."
eruthros: And he uses it to distract people and discombobulate them.

thingswithwings: yes, absolutely!

eruthros: Because they're staring at his penis ... his face! Really they're looking at him! ... but his penis is RIGHT THERE.

thingswithwings: everyone just agrees to do whatever he says so that they can get the hell out of there. because the eyes follow you wherever you go!
thingswithwings: ...also, the penis.

eruthros: YES! And so he sends Lorne a thank-you note after some particularly successful negotiations.
eruthros: Yes, the penis follows them wherever they go.
eruthros: And his assisstants tell stories about it in hushed whispers.
eruthros: And, as far as Jack is concerned, it means a) that he gets what he wants from people in meetings and b) that people otherwise leave him alone.

thingswithwings: I have this pose in my head of the two of them sort of draped over each other in an X
thingswithwings: with, of course, the black velvet backdrop and crumpled red silk and white roses. that Lorne keeps in the back of his truck, just in case.

eruthros: He totally sends Lorne a fruit basket.)
eruthros: Yes! Because Lorne is EVER-HOPEFUL.

thingswithwings: it must've been so hard to give up the hobby while in basic training, what with all those naked men around ALL THE TIMe.

eruthros: Lorne is, by that time, in Pegasus, so he has to recruit to Asgard to do it, and suddenly Lorne's desk is full of one of those hotel-type fruit baskets that's been beamed down.)
eruthros: HA.
eruthros: God.
eruthros: This is a brilliant story of Lorne's tragic painterly life!

thingswithwings: I agree!
thingswithwings: poor guy. he's not breaking any regs! he's not gay! he just paints nude men a lot.
thingswithwings: ...and dude, the asgard would totally deliver a fruit basket to pegasus for O'Neill. "We need you to save Atlantis, it is in trouble," the Asgard say no, but "O'Neill personally requests this fruit basket delivery"?

eruthros: Sheppard: There's a pineapple. Major, why did General O'Neill send you a pineapple?)
eruthros: YES. Because Thor loves Jack.
eruthros: Also, Thor beamed down into his office to pick up the fruit basket, so he totally gets why thanks are necessary. It is, he agrees, a well-done composition.

thingswithwings: ha! omg, Thor would definitely ask Lorne to do a nude painting of O'Neill for him, too, once he saw it!
thingswithwings: Jack is much more fetching without those odd human garments on.

eruthros: YES.
eruthros: Smoother, for one.
eruthros: Also: OMG. http://www.ediblearrangements.com/Arrangements/Arrangement_Detail.aspx?ID=245&OrderType=1&CountryID=1&StateID=&City=&Date=&Category=5&Occasion=

thingswithwings: WHAT

eruthros: It is called a HAIL BERRY.

thingswithwings: I SAW THAT

eruthros: SOMEONE MUST SEND IT TO JOHN.

thingswithwings: I vote for Ronon.

eruthros: But not for painting a nude picture of Jack O'Neill.
eruthros: No, Lorne gets all the fruitbasket thanks for that.

thingswithwings: let's hope not! Jack can't spend his whole time posing nude for the air force!

eruthros: Dude, yes, I think Thor should totally commission a picture of Jack. And bribe Lorne with ... ?

thingswithwings: uh...the promise of a favour? to deliver some texas beef after they're done mutilating the latest cattle?
thingswithwings: the best part is, Lorne's in atlantis, so he tells Thor, "I can't paint without a reference," and Thor immediately produces a dozen photographs of Jack in the nude.

eruthros: Maybe he gives Lorne some cool Asgard technology that Rodney's been after for YEARS.
eruthros: That is AWESOME.
eruthros: Of course he does.

thingswithwings: hee! and Rodney gets all jealous, and asks what he did for the Asgard to get the Q-35 Explosive Space Modulator, but Lorne won't tell.

eruthros: Nope.
eruthros: But John has his suspicions, because Lorne hasn't asked any of the Lieutenants to pose nude for several weeks.

thingswithwings: haha
thingswithwings: John has a file.

eruthros: But John, of course, thinks Lorne is painting THOR in the nude, and he's really creeped out by this, because Asgard are WEIRD.
eruthros: John TOTALLY has a file.

thingswithwings: and John sort of wonders if he's painting the Asgard wearing clothes, since they're already nude all the time. And then he thinks about Thor in a hat, and is creeped out all day.

eruthros: Yeah.
eruthros: And John remains disquieted.
eruthros: But he also ponders whether he can ask Lorne to do OTHER nude painting for high-tech stuff.

thingswithwings: oh john, caught between two powerful and conflicting impulses! cool space guns / disturbing Asgard/Lorne sex portraiture!

eruthros: It would be full of ANGST.

thingswithwings: as John tends to be.

eruthros: Exactly.

Comments

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

I love you both. And now I want Lorne to sort of sidle around to the idea of painting my OT4 in the nude, and who would be the most nervous, and whether Rodney would come all over shy about being not as intimidatingly fit as the others -- or maybe he doesn't have anything to be shy about, if you know what I mean -- and then Lorne wants to do a variant on The Three Graces (http://www.wga.hu/art/r/raphael/2firenze/1/21graces.jpg), but with the four of them, and Rodney can have his perfect, perfect ass back to the audience, as it were.

[graycastle.livejournal.com]

oh, Lorne would totally want to paint Team Shep in the nude! Especially after that time that he was hanging out in the gateroom and they all came home naked and blushing, due to circumstances on the alien planet that they all refuse to discuss. And Lorne was all, "those guys have great lines, and great contrast together!" Except he's too shy to ask, aw.

[katie-m.livejournal.com]

*dies*

*links*

[eruthros]

I'm glad you enjoyed!

Because, really: Jack O'Neill! Nude oil painting! Deadpan! What's not to like?

[minnow1212.livejournal.com]

>nd John sort of wonders if he's painting the Asgard wearing clothes, since they're already nude all the time. And then he thinks about Thor in a hat, and is creeped out all day.<

Hee! This was all very wonderful.

[eruthros]

I thought that was an awesome idea too! Thor in a hat would be great. :)

graycastle and I also wanted to know why there hadn't been an episode where the whole B-plot involved Asgard appearing in transporters and on the stairs, and John jumping and shrieking.

[medie]

*points*

*wheezes*

*dies*

Oh GOD that is so much brilliance it should hurt the eyes! *cackles* I LOVE it!

[eruthros]

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed. It's all a long tangent from one of graycastle's actual stories, which will probably be posted ... eventually!

::face hurts from laughing::

[kormantic.livejournal.com]

man, so does this mean that Lorne's apartment on Earth was filled with dozen of nude paintings of Teal'c?

eruthros: YES.
eruthros: YES IT DOES.
eruthros: Except he asked Teal'c if he could maybe sell some, or if Teal'c would want some, and Teal'c took a couple and Lorne doesn't want to ask what became of them.
eruthros: But he's kinda afraid Teal'c gave one to Bra'tac.

graycastle: HAHAHA EW.

::cries with laughter::

Holyohmygod AWESOME.

Re: ::face hurts from laughing::

[eruthros]

I'm so with her on the "ewww." But it's such a funny ewww!

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[tripoli8.livejournal.com]

Oh God, I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe.

[eruthros]

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[rusty76.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*

I don't even follow the show anymore and I think this would be such an awesome AU. :)

[eruthros]

Someone who can actually write should totally do it! I'm here to provide surprise plot twists like fruit baskets :)

[cofax7]

OMG thank you so much. This is EXACTLY what I needed tonight.

Heee!

[eruthros]

This is how all bad days can be improved by SGA fandom! Because: whales! Lorne as a painter! John likes tunics with heart-shaped stud patterns! What can't we do with that?

[rydra_wong]

Here via katie_m's link.

Am now weeping with laughter.

[eruthros]

Thanks! I'm glad we could add a little more cracktasticness to your day.

[paian]

Oh, man. Delightfully hilarious. :-)

[eruthros]

That's why I love this show! Because it permits this kind of craziness! And because people in fandom are all "of course Jack is that kind of guy!"

Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed. :)

[e-juliana.livejournal.com]

Here via cofax7, and bless. I lost right around the fruitbasket. Hee!!!

[brendalu.livejournal.com]

Good god, it's a football full of penises. Penii. Whatever. Now I need an occasion to order one.

[green-grrl.livejournal.com]

*ded from the laughter* Brilliant!

Also, how much can I pay Lorne for a nude O'Neill?

[eruthros]

Well, Lorne's got money, and he'd feel a little weird selling a painting of his commanding officer. But come to think of it, there is something he really needs: models! If you can convince Jackson to model, you can have the second O'Neill painting for free -- just, broach the subject gently, okay? Lorne doesn't want weird rumors spreading about him.

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

[info]graycastle: I'm telling you, this whole Lorne-as-a-painter thing is an untapped goldmine of fic potential.

Truer words were never spoken.

::still giggling::

[eruthros]

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I think Lorne as a painter = hilarious awesome. And it's canon!

[sulien77.livejournal.com]

graycastle "I have this pose in my head of the two of them sort of draped over each other in an X with, of course, the black velvet backdrop and crumpled red silk and white roses. that Lorne keeps in the back of his truck, just in case.

Oy! This snippet of conversation kild me ded with laughter, but this little bit here killed me dead ded from the visual. Guh! Thanks for sharing this! Oh, and I got here via paian's rec.

[eruthros]

*g* Yeah, graycastle (thingswithwings) is irritatingly good at visuals :)

[perfica.livejournal.com]

Here via paian and I loves me some crossteam love!

and John sort of wonders if he's painting the Asgard wearing clothes, since they're already nude all the time. And then he thinks about Thor in a hat, and is creeped out all day.

Asgard + Pancake = Tasty Porn!

Also, Jack would pose nude for anyone at the drop of hat. The man has no shame.

[eruthros]

No shame at all! I'm glad that we, as fandom, recognize this.

Also: I see your Asgard + Pancake icon, and raise you an Asgard + Hat icon.

[cobweb-diamond.livejournal.com]

This made me die a little from funny. And, you know, artist!Lorne really is underrepresented in fandom, considering the hilarity it could produce, fic-wise.

P.S. here from thingswithwings' new fic.

[eruthros]

I just got back from overseas, and was like "is it weird to reply to this comment now?" and then I decided I didn't care, because: yes! Artist!Lorne is totally underrepresented in fandom! Even as a landscape artist, or as a guy making snide comments about the portraits in "The Game" (he totally would critique the brushwork), or whatever.

[ifylla.livejournal.com]

oh, okay. about halfway through i was like "Would Lorne paint the Asgard in the nude? would he paint them in pants? how odd would that be?" and then you went and covered that base.

a hat.

hah.

the same dead vulture hat that Longbottom's gram wears that Snape-bogart wears?

[eruthros]

No, the hat that Thor is wearing in this Thor inna hat icon.

Which, in point of fact, I got by googling "church hat." SO. That's Thor for you!

[kiki-miserychic.livejournal.com]

I'm random-drive-by-posting.

Because they're staring at his penis ... his face! Really they're looking at him! ... but his penis is RIGHT THERE.
I actually had a conversation like that. I was in an art internship and I was talking to one of the guys and he had a nude self portrait right behind him. I've painted/sketched nudes and I've never been weird about it, but he's talking about this massive project he's working on that requires an engine to turn a series of colored walls and I'm staring at his wrinkly penis.

[eruthros]

Hee! I mean, yes. Even professionals can be flustered by properly applied nude paintings out of context! So Jack O'Neill's cunning plan would totally work!

[porntestpilot.livejournal.com]

I...have drank a lot of beer today, but this is better. This is so much better.

[eruthros]

*g* I think sometimes lack of sleep and the existence of IM turns conversations into drunk conversations without the application of alcohol. It's a mysterious scientific process!

[bruinsfan.livejournal.com]

uh...the promise of a favour? to deliver some texas beef after they're done mutilating the latest cattle?

You know this has to be Lorne's fondest desire, because until a year or two ago he had that godawful longhorn tattoo on his arm!

That gets me thinking... the Asgard have been out of contact with earth since before things like symbolic team logos came into vogue. Can't you see Hermiod somehow getting a glimpse of Lorne with bare arms, noticing what appears to be a decapitated steer head, and thinking "AT LAST! AN EARTHLING WHO UNDERSTANDS THE MOST SACRED PRACTICES OF MY PEOPLE!"

[eruthros]

Poor Lorne! Stuck with an unfortunate tattoo!

Also: are those "most sacred practices" or porn or both?

[kyuuketsukirui.livejournal.com]

Oh my God, I'm dead. I saw this bookmarked on delicious and was just like, what the hell, why not click? And then I was wheezing and choking and picturing Asgard in hats! XD

[eruthros]

I'm glad you enjoyed!

I, too, think graycastle's Thor-in-hat idea was brilliant! So I iconned it. :)

[helens78]

Ahahahahah I got here via kyuuketsukirui and this whole idea is awesome. :D

[eruthros]

I think there should be more stories about Lorne's childhood as a painter! That is what I think.

[nico-wolfwood.livejournal.com]

Oh god. Laughing so hard, I can barely breathe. Thank god I wasn't drinking anything. You guys are great! (Also, can I pimp this on my lj?)

[eruthros]

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. (I really think that it's all -- what graycastle said is totally true: Lorne's tragic painterly life really is a goldmine of fic potential! I mean, once you start imagining Lorne painting at the SGC, I think the story concept can't turn anything but hilarious. :) )

Pimp away!

[(Anonymous)]

Okay, this is months and months old, but I just ran across it today, and it's completely hilarious! I laughed so hard! Yay!

--LastScorpion--

[wihluta.livejournal.com]

I just laughed so hard, I think I broke something...